Expert: Clyde - 2/23/2010

Question
My mom is an alcoholic who is 75 years old.  She lives alone with her dog close to family members.  She was admitted to the hospital last night because of a cough, and blood alcohol of .16 10 hours after her last drink.  She was shaking intensively and Detox was mentioned.  I was unaware of how much she was drinking.  When I left the hospital I went to her house and found a large empty bottle of vodka and an empty bottle of wine.  The question is - What do I do now?  I can't babysit her.  I need to go back to the hospital this morning and talk to the doctor, social worker etc.  Where can a person like this go to get help?  I realize I can't do it.  My sister tried and failed.  It seems cruel to live her in her apartment alone, so we need another option.  We also have to take her car away.  This all just happed within the last 24 hours.  There is so much more to the story.  I tried to stick to the facts.  I feel like the next step is critical.  She also said she was depressed and would be better off dead and I did tell the doctor that.  I think that is why they kept here over night.  They weren't going to do that at first.  We were so grateful.  Now we have to face the situation today when we got back to the hospital.  My brother is actually on his way right now.  I am going to meet up with them later.  I don't know what the doctors will suggest or what we should do next.  I would really like to hear what your thoughts are on this situation.  Thank you.

Answer
Cathy,
   Thank you for your questions and for the details.  I know it is hard to take all this in but it may be just what is needed to get her to see the truth.

   Many alcoholics will die drunks because they have never been to a point of desolation.  This may be her point of desolation.  If you are not familiar with Alanon, a group meant for family members of alcoholics, they says that you did not cause alcoholism, you can not control alcoholism, and you can not cure alcoholism.  It is a disease and unless the sufferer buys into that truth you can not alter it.  That is the sad fact.  I hope you will give this some real thought and look at this as nothing that is your fault.  We wish better for our parents but we can not live their life for them.

   It does sound as if she was detoxing (we call it withdrawals).  Our bodies as active alcoholics crave more and more and more (hence the empty bottles) and as we come out from under the influence the body says "I need more!!!"  If it is not provided the body retaliates.

   Not knowing the living arrangements for you and your mother in the short-term, it would be suggested that you help her get through this hurdle and then make it clear to her that things as going to need to change.  She is not too old for Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and this is a place she will meet others who struggled with drinking.  Many will be where she is at right now, many will be well past the drinking and into decades of sobriety but they all know how she feels.  Your mom's depression is going to be immediately understood by these folks.  So I heartedly suggest that you make this known to your mom - she will need help staying sober and she needs folks who have "been there done that."  Check your local area for AA meetings.

    I also suggest that you get a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous titled Alcoholics Anonymous and read the first 164 pages.  This will give you the facts you need to know about alcoholism, even if she does not want to do anything for herself.

    Not knowing your mom's health in general I can not speak to the car issue but think of this - if you take away her freedom to drive and get around responsibly (especially to AA) you might buy yourself a lot of responsibility that will be more harmful than good.  We call this "enabling" when we take on too much of what the other needs to do for themselves.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde