Expert: Druideck - 2/11/2010

Question
Druideck,

I'm pretty confused by what's happened over the past month and just not sure how to proceed.  About 6 months ago, I reconnected with a man I knew in high school 25 years ago.  He was going through a divorce and I was very hesitant to become involved.  I agreed to renew a friendship as I didn't think engaging in a relationship with him at this time was in my best interest.  Over the course of the next couple of months, we spoke on the phone and exchanged texts and emails daily.  He made his interest very clear and eventually, I gave in and we began dating.  He was wonderful until right after the holidays when he finally admitting to me that he was a no longer sober alcoholic (he'd been in recovery for 9 1/2 years) before he picked up the bottle again after his separation.  

The past month has been a roller coaster ride.  He is back in AA and committed to his sobriety but his attitude toward me has completely changed.  He's cold, distant and everything he says to me sounds like his sponsor talking and not him.  It's like I don't even know this man anymore.  I had never seen or even suspected a problem with alcohol.  We would occasionally have a drink with dinner but often would not drink at all.  I never saw him drunk, never dealt with any of the horror stories I often hear.  He tells me he cares so much about me that he knew he had to quit lying to himself and to me, that he couldn't handle drinking and he needs to focus on his sobriety.

At this point we've ended the relationship but both of us have expressed that the feelings are still there.  He wants to "stay connected" but in the same sentence says "he has no time for any relationships in his life".  I love this man but am terribly hurt by not only his hiding of his truth from me but how callous he now seems to be toward me and the relationship he really pushed for.  I don't know if I should maintain contact with him or just cut my losses, deal with my pain and move on.

Any insight to what he may be going through or information that might be able to help me better understand him would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Susan

Answer
Susan,

It is unfortunate that he felt the
need to be dishonest with you
in the beginning. Many alcoholics are afraid
of being rejected especially those
that have failed to stay sober.

He is likely feeling very bad but
his life is in the balance.
Alcoholism is deadly and so I
understand why he feels the need
to refocus on that rather than a
relationship right now.

If he has problems with sobriety
then the relationship is
a dangerous thing for him because
of the stress of emotional involvement.
He is really fighting for his life
as alcoholism could kill him
in a variety of ways.

If he cannot handle the relationship
mentally or emotionally then it
is better for him and you to break it off.
Being friends is quite different than
a romantic involvement.
The emotions are less charged for
the most part.

His dishonesty may be why he started
drinking again. He has to focus on
sobriety and being more honest to
resume his sobriety.

I know he has hurt you and that is
not the path he should be on.
People are much different when they
get sober, they are not the same person
in some ways. Change is a necessity
to change your lifestyle.

I would think he would need a fair amount
of time in AA to regain some stability
in himself.
The pain and conflict you are both in
may be a challenge to him keeping sober.

If you decide to hang on it would be better
to act as a friend in support of his sobriety.
This may be impossible because of
the feelings you both have.

Only you can decide to walk away and let
him deal with his healing and his
problems.

Your best direction now is to focus
on your own feelings and thoughts.
You might ask yourself what you
really desire in life and
can he really provide a part of that
in his condition.

Look for support from your friends
and take counsel from them if it
seems right.

Good relationships only happen with
healthy people. We all have our
problems but this man has a very
difficult illness of the mind and body.
Work on getting strong as an individual
and you will attract better partners
in the future.

Good luck to you both whatever
you choose to do.