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Question
My best friend, whom I have known since college, has just completed a 28-day alcohol program. He has now returned home and is not drinking. We have been best friends for more than 30 years. Many of the activities that we enjoyed together were social in nature, and invariably involved alcohol. These activities would include dining out, going to sporting events or just hanging out.
I am finding that I don't know what activity to suggest that we do together without taking a risk that would trigger a relapse. He tells me that if he followed what his counselors taught in recovery, he would break ties with everyone in his past, including me. I want to support him in is recovery and I can certainly refrain from alcohol whenever we do something together, but I am at a loss as to what to suggest that we do and how I can be most supportive. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Thanks for the question - I can tell his friendship is important to you.
It seems that it's important to note that people in early recovery can have very black and white thinking, and I suspect that his counselor unwittingly encourages this sort of behavior. The idea is to shield a person from anything which might encourage them to drink. While this seems good in theory and in treatment people can get an idea of what it is like to be totally clean, it fails on a few levels. I used to work for a large inpatient treatment concern and they went as far as prohibiting coffee, sugar, various reading materials, and even a few alternative newspapers. I can see what they were trying to do, however, we don't live in a cave - your friend will encounter much of the same thing, and while he needs support to stay sober, he doesn't need a blanket.
I'd simply tell him that you consulted with a long-time clinician who encouraged you to ask him what he could do to feel safe and comfortable. Remind him that he's important to you, and you're willing to make small changes while you're around him to support his sobriety - ask him to plan a few activities. I'd also suggest volunteer or charity work, or clean and sober events. Check out meetup.com or look into volunteermatch.org or find your way to serviceleader.org.
It seems to me that recovery is really about choices. There are many people who don't have an addiction history and don't drink, but they live a life committed to health..they have made a choice to have a different lifestyle..
Thanks so much for the question - you are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.
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Answers by Expert:
Todd
Expertise
I sense it's important to let you know (upfront) that I don't have a 12-step orientation. I also want to let you know that this system won't allow us to make paragraphs, so I am using ** to separate my thoughts into paragraphs I can answer questions related to getting/staying sober, queries related to support for loved ones, questions on support groups, relapse prevention, communication skills, alcohol and drug pharmacology, spirituality, and finding ways to increase joy within sobriety. I see sobriety as a skill, understand that recovery looks different for everybody, and encourage people to find a sobriety mentor. **It has been my experience that in 12-step groups many people are seen to fail under the guise of a lack of willingness. When I used to attend meetings I'd see many people who were shamed and bullied over various medications they needed to take...telling people they can't take various medications is akin to playing God. I have yet to understand how taking MH meds is any different than taking any other medication which you need to thrive and support your health. **As there is so much shame, stigma, myths, and misinformation in this culture around CD (many of my clients will tell you that it is easier to be mentally ill than it is to have any sort of chemical dependency issue - in some way people are seen to be able to control their alcohol/drug using behaviors..not so with mental illness) folks first need to come to a place where they move beyond the stigma they internalize. **There is a term in social psychology called 'introjection'.....that is, when this culture views something in a certain way, we take on the facets of that stereotype...think about CD or folks who are gay/lesbian...this culture views these things in a negative way...we internalize this and feel poorly as a result.....as a mentor said, our culture fails gravely at being humane
Experience
I've been working in the field of addictions for nearly 27 years, within the inpatient and outpatient setting, as well as working in the Department of Corrections, the Director of Counseling for a large chemical dependency hospital, to where I'm currently employed doing in-home mental health and chemical dependency engagement with (mostly) seniors. I also have a contract gig running the entire CD program for a long-term transitional program to support people to overcome homelessness. As I've been doing this work for many years I am currently teaching a college class: intro to chemical dependency. It's been neat to see my students 'get it' and understand that they can have a huge impact on people and how they navigate their recovery.
I've been sober for over 29 years and have a sense of what is required to maintain long-term sobriety and abstinence, and engage lasting change.
**I am a huge fan of various anti-craving medications. In some recovery circles this is taboo, however, it's been my experience that there is no reward for suffering.
**I also understand that as recovery looks different for everybody, perhaps someone's program could be riding a bike, spending time with family, doing yoga, swimming, writing in a journal, spending time with friends, therapy, playing with a pet, reading spiritual literature, etc....it seems to me that many paths have merit.
Organizations
National/state organizations relative to chemical dependency and addictive disorders.
Publications
http://www.askanaddictioncounselor.com
Education/Credentials
Degree/certification as a chemical dependency counselor, and state certification as an addiction professional.I'm working towards further graduate studies in clinical psychopharmacology.
Awards and Honors
Last year I was invited to do a five-hour presentation on various facets of addictive disorders as a very large behavioral health hospital. I was somewhat resistant as I was a bit nervous to speak in front of 2000 people. I had no idea my approach would be so welcome. I sense that it's hard to remember how much we know.
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