Expert: Druideck - 2/18/2010

Question
Dear Expert: I'm so heart broken right now and filled with guilt and shame. On Dec. 13 I had been drinking wine and turned in to Mrs. Hyde, so my husband left to stay with his mom. A few days passed and he came back home. He said he told his mother that he missed me. That day I made a promise to him that I would never drink again. On Jan. 21 I drank again, and that night he left me and doesn't look like he will be coming back home. My husband doesn't speak to me now. Since that night I have not taken one drop of alcohol into my system. I don't know how to salvage my marriage. I don't know if he will be coming back; it doesn't look like it. I am so heartbroken right now and feel so vulnerable. My husband has moved in with his mom who to was married to my husband's father who was a horrible alcoholic. I know his mother can't stand me but says he is making this decision on his own. I feel she must have some influence on him. So as you can see my husband has dealt with alcoholism all his life and Jan 21st was the last straw. I want to salvage my marriage and never drink again. I have been sober as I said since Jan. 21 and am seeking treatment. I have already met with a mental health doctor in my area. I just want one last chance, but my husband has heard this to many times from me. I am thinking about driving up to his mother's residence tomorrow and see if he will speak with me. Expert, how should I handle this situation? Belive me this was nothing against him just my way of coping.

Thank you for your time. Elaine

Answer
Elaine,

I know you want to make amends but I believe
your focus should be on your own sobriety as
is the long run that is the only thing
that he will respect.
He is not likely to believe any promises
you make right now anyway due to the
past incidents.
If you try to impress him without having done
any serious attempts at getting help
he will stay away to protect himself.

Go to treatment and continue with
AA meetings until you feel secure
in sobriety. A month or two of being
sober will impress him more than
going too soon and talking about it
before he has gained any new trust.

Let me know if you need more help.

Good luck!