Expert: Druideck - 2/3/2010

Question
I have  been in a realtionship with an AA, its a great wonderful one   , i understand  to a degree that what happened to him before  recovery  was one  person  and  after recovery is   another  i only know him through   after recovery  which is almost 5 years  for him its been. I also know   how he handled  his emotions   before  alchol and  after   are of  course two different things after  is the hard   part when there is tension he shuts   down gets hurt   and   becomes   quiet when i try to talk to him  he won't  its   hurtful and  confusing, he wants me to talk to his   counsellor   that helped  him  we also  did  a course  in understanding alcholics   and   the program  but it was not   what we  really wanted  i just want to understand  him  and   know how to deal handle   talk to him as the person he  is   now   we do love each other   and he  is nice caring  but  not  open shuts   down  is   here  other things  i can do read  see watch or something to understand him ? thanks   so  much  

                       Margaret

Answer
Margaret,

there may be some reason he is not open with
his feelings. I would suspect he is feeling
some fear or anxiety that makes him shut down.
It is not something that can be helped
by putting added pressure or demands on.
He may interprete arguments as a very threatening
thing to his well being.
As a recovering alcoholic his emotions are
very underdeveloped. He may not respond
to you as an adult usually would.
He may have grown up keeping his feelings inside.
He is doing this out of self preservation.
He may also be afraid of anger, his or yours.
All these feelings are hard to reconcile
even for healthy adults.
I would encourage him to experiment with
taking some risks in his behaviours.
Let him know he is safe even though
you are having a lively discussion.
He may be afraid of abandonment and rejection.
All these things require much counselling
and time to heal. It helps if he is active
in practising the twelve steps of AA.
If he is unwilling to open up he cannot be forced
to do it. All you can do is be gentle, patient
and encourage him to be more open to you.
Tell him you want to know him better and be closer but
it takes honest expression of feelings
to do that.
Alcoholics are afraid of emotional intimacy.
They often have trouble being close to others.
A profound fear of people lies at the core
of most alcoholics. They have trouble with trust.
They are hurt easily and see things as black and white.
Either you love them or you don't. An argument can
be seen as a lack of love to them.
They take things very personally.
This self-centered behaviour can get better over time.
Five years is not a long time in recovery.
The first five years are very difficult.
This is a time of great emotional turmoil.
I am sober 24 years and still act like a baby sometimes, lol.
Good luck and the best to you both.