Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/17/2010

Question
Hi,

After reading several questions posted here, I realize that our problems are not unique. It is very difficult to watch those you love in pain, denial and continuing to ‘Help’ an alcoholic family member.  

My questions: Is there any way to open the eyes of enablers? How do I respond to a family member who continues to enables? Is there anything I can do?

Summary: My brother is an alcoholic and is becoming increasing violent. Currently he is going to court for domestic violence with his wife. He is over 40, does not work, married for a short time to another alcoholic. Our mother takes care of him, he works very occasionally if at all. His problems are long term, involving pot & now alcohol. He was diagnosed as bi-polar but does not agree. There are lots of codependent behavior patterns.

I have been to Alanon, counseling and detached myself from him. The more I learn the more my relationship with my mother has changed. It is hard watching her suffer because of his irresponsibly and yet she continues to ‘help’ him. There is denial about his drinking, thinking he has the willpower to limit himself. My brother is the youngest child of several and our parents divorced when he was around 10 years. This is often cited as his problem and a reason why help is given. It is extremely painful to watch and there seems nothing I can do to help.

Any thoughts, feeling helpless

Answer
Hi Gloria,

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change your mom's behavior, the only thing you can do is change yourself -- and it seems that's what you're doing.

It's very common that parents are the worst enablers, because they're afraid that something will happen to their 'child', and they'll be responsible for it. They also feel guilty which makes the situation even worse. Here is some information that you can show your mom, but she has to come to terms with the fact that she's not really 'helping' your brother.

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

The more you understand what's going on, the more conflict you'll have with your mom. Tell her what's past is past and there's nothing she can do about that. Divorce or no divorce, your brother is an alcoholic/addict. She won't like to hear this, but after this is said, don't talk about it again. Listen if she vents about your brother, but no more advice.

It would be helpful if your mother went to Alanon meetings to see that she's not alone, but you can't do much more than that. It is very difficult for you to detach from the problem completely, so you may have 'relapses'. When you become upset, give yourself some space, focus on the positive things in your life, and this should move you forward.

I hope this information is helpful.

Also, I must add that the system never informed me that your question was pending and I found it accidentally today. It was sitting there since the 17th. This is unusual. There were also two other questions in my pending box. I'm reporting the problem so that it doesn't happen again.

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com