Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/9/2010

Question
Dear Bev,

I have been dating a very bad alcoholic for a little over four months now.  We do not live together.  We usually spend the weekends together from Friday night and sometimes all the way till Sunday afternoon.  He has recently resorted to drinking only on the weekends since it was too much for him to drink during the week.  So needless to say, he is completely overdoing it on the weekends to make up for all the time he doesn't get drunk during the week.  He always has a bottle of vodka around.  He gets up early and gets drunk as fast as he can.  He stays drunk all day.  Even if he gets sick and throws up, he goes right back to drinking.  What has been happening is that since my schedule has changed I can only see him on the weekends and not during the week.  I think that he still drinks a little during the week because that is when he starts ignoring me.  He keeps playing this push away/pull me close games.  When I call or text him during the week, he blatantly ignores me and responds only on the weekends.  He also only texts me if he is interested in having sex.  I always give in to him when he wants sex because I want it too.  There are many issues here to address, but the biggest problem I have is why am I allowing myself to be used and manipulated like this?  Why do I go back to him after one phone call, like nothing else ever happened?  I have zero boundaries with this man and although I try to establish them, he just tears them down.  He cares about me in his own drunken way but he is indifferent about drinking and frequently reminds me that he doesn't care about me or much of anything else.  He is only 40 and I fear the damage he is doing to his liver.  All my friends keep telling me to walk away but I can't yet.  As you can see I have become addicted to him.  I always choose men with drama and I am taking a long look at myself in the mirror and am trying to put a stop to my unhealthy choices in relationships.  I don't understand why I can't just walk away.  I know that by staying I am enabling him, but I love him and I just want to help him, despite the horrible ways he treats me at times.  I know he is only acting like that because of the vodka.  I've got nothing to lose if I walk away, but sometimes stops me every time.  Whenever I see that he is calling or texting I get excited that he has contacted me.  I need to learn to start ignoring his gestures when he is attempting to pull me in close again, just to push me away.  Please tell me some suggestions on how to get off this rollercoaster.  I am usually a strong-willed woman but I am weak to him because I love him.  He probably doesn't even love me but I stick around anyways.  I don't know how to walk away.  Please help me.

Answer
Hi Angie,

Alcoholic/addicts often get into codependent relationships and this sounds like what's going on. You know that this relationship is unhealthy, and you are strong in other aspects of your life, but with this guy, you break down.

He wants to keep you and the bottle in his life, and will say anything to keep both.

You are not alone. There are Codependent Anonymous (CODA) groups that can help you. I suggest you check if they are in your area. Also, you can read up on Codependency. Melanie Beattie is the 'guru' and her book 'Codependent No More' is a classic. You can find it on Amazon if you don't have it locally.

Here's some additional information that may help:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/how-to-break-up.html

There are also other pages on codependency on the site.

It will be a struggle, but surround yourself with positive people who can keep you staying strong.

I hope this information is helpful,

Good luck!!

Bev,

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com