Expert: Druideck - 3/16/2010

Question
Please help me!! Exactly 3 years ago my ex alcoholic of 4 years broke-up with me after a week into a 30 day program.  During the first year and only year while he was sober he did not speak to me.  The weekend he relapsed he contacted me.  It's been 2 years and he's an active drinker --a horrible drinker at that.  He comes in and out of my life.  I have not been able to move on with my life.  I'm am addicted to him and still love him very much.  He only calls when he's drunk and spends a day or two with me for about a month at a time and then disappears.  During the work week he does not contact me and will not respond to my text messages.  Recently he contacted me two Sundays in a row and then changed his number.  I don't understand why he is doing this to me.  Our last conversation was him asking me to lunch then he never returned my call.  During the conversation while he was drinking he mentioned that he wants to stay sober from now on.  I'm not sure what he meant because I am not a drinker.  I'm so upset about this.  Today I wrote him a letter and mailed it to him in hopes that he'll respond.  In the letter I mentioned to him that since he only contacts me once in a while and changes his number that I no longer wanted him to contact me. (we have both changed our numbers several times in the last 3 years)  I'm sure he will receive the letter and not respond.  I've been to several therapists, al-anon meetings and coda meetings and have also read "co-dependant no more."  Nothing has helped.  For the last 2 years he contacts me every 6 months then is gone again.  I guess the only reason I want him to contact me is because I want to tell him how I feel which I know will not make a difference.  Please help ... why am I so worried about hearing from this man?  He is sick and I'm thinking so am I to think he will change.  I feel like I am living for him and always waiting for his call.  Did I make the right choice by asking him to not contact me?  Also, when we are together we always sleep with eachother and he holds my hand kisses me and acts like we are still together.  He then reminds me that we will never be together.  Why would someone hurt another human being like this?

Answer
Lena,

As you seem to have realized this relationship
is very destructive to you both.
The reason he told you he wants to stay
sober is because relationships are one of the
biggest reasons for people to relapse or
start drinking again. This is because they
are so loaded with emotions and mental confusion.

If he makes any major life changes I doubt you
will be interested in him. The reason I say this
is because he will be a changed man if he becomes
sober for long. He will not be the man you have
this on/off relationship with.
You are both incapable of mature relating
right now. He has drinking problems to deal with
which greatly hamper any possibility of a good
relationship. Alcoholics are immature in their
emotional development. Alcohol abuse stunts
their growth as adults.

You seem to fear abandonment while he fears engulfment.
This is because of the insecurities you both have.
I think you both fear closeness or emotional intimacy
yet keep trying to get what the
other cannot give. This is like drawing water
from an empty well. You put the bucket down
and get nothing when you pull it up.

I know it feels addicting because that is what
it is. The rush of starting a relationship over
with all the hope is addicting.
The problem is you never move beyond the rush
you feel on first contact to develop a calm
relationship where you both are responsible
and caring. This is not possible no matter
how many times you contact this man.
He has years of healing to do to stay sober
before he can even think of handling a
mature responsible relationship with another
mature responsible woman.
I know this sounds sad but you are both trying
to fill your emptiness with another person.
It doesn't work because no person has enough
resources to make another person whole
or complete inside.
You can continue to grasp for tidbits of love
from him or you can begin to heal from this.
You have to begin by letting go and filling
your need with something other than a man.
When you feel the need to renew contact with
him do something else, go to a CODA meeting or
work on the twelve steps daily.
Do anything but stay on this merry-go-round
of addictive relating.
Let go of all the excuses you use to contact
him. This is not love it is addiction and
will destroy you like alcohol can destroy him.

I know just giving you this information will
not stop you from repeating the past.
Healing ourself is a daily battle
and you have to reach the point where you
realize you have to move on through the pain
and grief of letting go of unrealized dreams.

The greatest gift you can give yourself
is not allowing people into your life
that do not treat you well.
Someday you will not be interested in
men that are unavailable emotionally
and physically.
You will want to be treated with real love
and will not accept less.
You will find wholeness inside yourself not outside.

It is very important that you find
these following books and make them your
"Bible"
These books will explain your illness
and your behaviour: (copy/paste the links in your browser)
http://www.amazon.ca/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419
http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Women-Who-Love-Much/dp/0671733427
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=29154&cn=289
http://www.ta-tutor.com/handout1.htm#BOUNDARIES-UNRESOLVED DEPENDENCY
Robin Norwood is a therapist and relationship addict,
she is the best resource of the best path to recovery
in my experience. Please read her letters and books
if you really want to be free. You can google her name.

Good luck!