Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/10/2010

Question
My brother is a severe violent alcoholic.He has abused my parents for 32 years.They tolerated it and live in stress and fear.My mother has passed away.So that left just my father and my brother at home.He has never left home and he is at age 50.He does not have a job.He does not pay anything to live.He steals money from my father or threatens him to give it.After my mother passed he has been a dictator over my father.He has beaten him and abused him.My father can not run his affairs any longer so he has placed himself under my care.Now my brother is in panic mode and is demanding money.He has just recently stolen $540.00 from my father before i got him in my care.He went through it in 2 weeks of drinking.His body is a walking time bomb.He has never been to a doctor for anything.He looks in bad health.At the moment he still resides in my fathers home in which i have to sell or rent so it will not be an extra expense on my fathers limited income.He needs help bad and he totally refuses to quit his drinking and possible drug use.I do not know what to do.He has no idea how to exist on his own or how to manage his life.

Help!

Answer
Hi Donald,

Intimidation has worked for your brother for many years and this allowed him to do what he wanted -- drink.

Because your parents felt powerless, they enabled him. Here's some information on this:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

Right now, your brother won't change and no one can force him to do it. If he had a DUI he'd be mandated to treatment, but even his doctor can't force him.

Focus on your Dad, because he's living in a risky situation. Speak to social services and ask if they have any power to get get your brother removed, or find your dad a place of his own, but your dad has to agree to it.

If your brother is afraid of living on his own, or can't manage his life, this may push him to get treatment.

In the mean time AlAnon meetings can be helpful you. There would be others in similar situations and their suggestions can be helpful.

Another suggestion:  For a temporary arrangement, you can sell/rent the property and have Dad stay with you for awhile. Then your brother would be homeless and have no option, but go to a rehab facility where he can learn to function independently. He would also be welcomed by the AA members, who help eachother out. Once this is accomplished, Dad can find a place of his own -- not easy, I know, but there is no easy answer.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com