Expert: Amarnath.B - 5/6/2010

Question
QUESTION: hello, I have a 2 year old daughter and I'm separated from her father cause of his alcoholism problems... I told him he cannot come drunk to see her, only sober but I'm afraid even if he comes sober and wants to take her for the day if I let her go and he starts drinking he cant stop once he started I don't want anything to happen to her... should I stop him from taking her alone weather his sober?
thank you...

ANSWER: Hello Montserrat,

Thank you for your question.  I can understand your predicament.  Children of alcoholics are the most who are affected by their parent/s alcoholism.  Especially since you're not sure if her father is sober or not when he is with the child, you should refrain from sending the child to him.  Ask your ex-husband/boyfriend first to sober up and seek help for his alcoholism.  He should go into recovery first.  Only after you are convinced that he is in recovery and is on road to sobriety then you can think of sending your child to him.  Even then, I suggest you accompany and be there when your child is with her father.  

If your ex creates problems now you can always get restraint orders from the court to stop him from seeing your child temporarily till he gets clean and sober.  I hope I have made it very clear to you.  Please do not leave your child with a suffering alcoholic/addict because you will never know the mind of a person who is under the influence of alcohol/drugs.  You will only be putting your child's life in danger.

I hope and pray your daughter's father gets well soon.  If you have any questions/concerns please do not hesitate to mail me back.


God bless.


Amarnath

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Amarnath,

here I am again asking you to guide me, a while ago you answer very clearly to my question wich I deeply apreciate.

Regarding the same situation I most tell you Im mexican and I live in Mexico and Ive gone to many lawyers asking what kind of protection I can count on should I have to deny my ex-boyfriend to take our 2 year old for a walk or the day because of his terrible alcoholism, and the law here in my country cant help me they tell me all I can do is tell him they are not to be alone and that if he does not want to accept it, that I have to wait for him  to sew me and only then I can take whitnesses to court and explain why I made such a rule...some friend told me he has been sober for 10 days (this has happened many times before) unfortunately it means not much to me since I know its very little time and he has gone back to drinking always, he is the bar at night tipe of drunk and not being able to stop until he actually either fallīs or sleeps in the chair of any bar.

He has stopped coming to visit her, before he would come a couple times a week to see her for very almost ridiculous short periods of time. but now it has been 3 months with no visits whatsoever, and that makes me feal like he is a stranger I guess Im just soooo afraid of him showing up suddenly and demanding his right to take her for the day or so.

So what I wanted to ask your help with is: can you help me find the words to explain an alcoholic man (even when sober for the moment who gets mad very easy and all though he has never hurt me fisically he can be very verbally abusive and gets very angry very fast or almost unpredictably) my wish to protect my daughter from harm, Im just so afraid, sometimes cant even sleep just thinking when I tel him he is going to explote in rage and scream. with your experience whit alcoholics what do you think its the best way to tell him this new rule?

I hope I wrote well and made my question clear.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME AND HELP!!!

Alejandra.

Answer
Hello Alejandra,

Thank you for your question.  Hope you and your daughter are doing well.

Most alcoholics are emotionally weak and expect people to show sympathy towards them.  They feel the whole world has turned against them.  That's why the hostility all the time.  Why don't you try a softer approach this time.  Talk to him when he is sober.  Do not be hostile towards him and do not use harsh/strong words.  Cheer him up and be calm when you speak to him. Explain to him why you are so fearful or fretful when he takes your daughter out with him.  Tell him she is a very small innocent child and anything can happen when he is not sober.  It is not his fault but his alcoholism can lead to accidents.  Tell him that you respect the fact that he is the father but do have your own anxieties and fears.  Assure him you have nothing against him taking the child out.  It's just that the child is too small and if he is not careful the child's life may be at risk.  Explain to him that it's your only child and it's the child's safety that is of grave concern.  I'm sure if you it put it across to him in a nice way without any hostility, he will understand. Let him spend time indoors at home.  Impress upon him that alcohol can destroy him and that he should seek help.  Anyway, be considerate towards him because he is an alcoholic carrying the dreaded disease of alcoholism.

Use this softer approach and see how it goes.  Pray and pray hard.  I'm sure God, in your prayers will give you a solution.  Mail me back and let me know the results.


Please do not hesitate to mail me back if you have any other issues or concerns.


God bless,


Amarnath