Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/26/2010

Question
Hi, I have an on/off relationship with a man that drinks.  We lived together for two years, but I asked him to move out last year due to his drinking and his overall non motivation.  He drinks at least five days a week and spends alot of time at the bar.  It's sad.  He is not violent or mean, but is lazy, forgetful, selfish, broke and very vunerable.  He admits his drinking is a problem, but his efforts to find a solution to his problem are scarce.  He cannot be honest with himself.  If I was in love with him, I would go to Alanon, but at this point in our relationship, I only wish that he find peace in himself, so I would know the real person inside.  I have told him that if he wants a future with me he must divorce the bar and stop drinking.  He wants help, but is waiting for me or someone else to take his hand and lead him.  I'm tired of this. When we talk about his drinking he is defensive,  evasive at first, then opens up....until the next day, when he virtually 'forgets' our heartfelt conversations and attempts to continue on as before.  Also, he uses sex as a ploy with me to establish trust. What can I do as a friend for this person?  All my instincts tell me to back off, lay low, and wait and see what solutions he comes up with.  If thats accurate, how long do I wait? weeks? months? years?  If I have to cut this person off, it will hurt but it won't kill me.

Answer
Hi Christine,

You seem to be doing and saying all the right things.

This man admits to his drinking problem, and says he wants help, but he's the only one who can do it.

You can find out where the AA meetings are in your area and point him in the right direction to go there, but he's the one who has to do the work.

It's important that you don't enable him in any way (although he'd like you to. Here's some information about enabling:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

Don't allow him to use sex as a ploy, because this can play on your emotions.

As a friend, all you can do is say that you hate knowing that he's drinking and ruining his life -- and you can't watch it and must back off. Your instincts are right. If he chooses the bar over you, there is no relationship. You shouldn't wait around to find out if he'll change, because this may never happen.

He must go to AA, get a sponsor and do the 12 steps, or he must get counseling to turn his life around. You can tell pretty quickly if he'll follow through, but don't let him con you by starting and then stopping. He must make a commitment. An alcoholic has a love/hate relationship with the drink and he'll find any excuse to keep drinking.

If you don't see him making the effort, you must cut him off and get on with your life. You deserve better.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

All the best!

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com