Expert: Druideck - 3/3/2010

Question
I am 25 years old, my sister is 21, my dad is almost 52. A little history before I get to my question...my mother passed away from cancer when she was 33 years old (I was 7, my sister was almost 4, my dad was 34... plus I have a 1/2 brother who was 12 at the time, but has since disappeared from the family)My dad started dating this woman a few months after her death, and has been married to her for the last 6 years. After my mom died, my dad started going out to the bars a lot. I guess I didn't think too much of it then because I was so young, and then when I was in high school I liked the fact that he was never home. I could come and go as I please. But now that I'm older, married, and have a family of my own, things have changed. We had a talk with him 2 years ago about his drinking and he said that he agreed that he needs to cut back. And he did...for a while. He wouldn't drink by himself anymore, and only did it when he went out. Fast forward to present day, his father, my grandfather is 89yrs old and going downhill fast. He doesn't remember who anyone is anymore, and I know that it's really hard on my dad. But he doesn't talk about it. To anyone. He goes out once or twice a week and gets hammered. He drives himself home when he can barely even stand up. My sister went out a few days ago to celebrate her friend's birthday, and as soon as she walked into the bar my dad was there. He was completely wasted. He was cursing at everyone, making a total fool of himself. She told him that she was going to drive him home while one of her friends followed in his car..and he couldn't even stand up. He fell flat on him face 3x in front of everyone, was telling her that he hated her, and being a total jerk. She got him home, and my stepmother didn't seem too concerned. My sister called him yesterday, and he acted as if nothing was wrong, and he didn't know what the heck happened that night. He blamed it on not eating anything, and the bartender making his drinks too strong. He only drinks Wild Turkey 101 proof with a splash of water. He did apologize to her, for acting like a fool, but not for drinking. If she wasn't there he would have driven himself home. We are having a talk with him tomorrow night about everything...and I don't really know how to approach it. I don't want him to get defensive right away, and I want him to hear my sister and I out. My sister is going to his house, and I'll be on a webcam since I live 500 miles away..but any suggestions you may have about how to approach the issue would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Answer
Brittany,

I am concerned about you confronting
your father without an intenvention
counsellor present.

The problem is that he will make promises
again to please you but will fail to keep them
as usual due to his alcohol addiction.

This will be a merry-go-round without
guidance as to the information
presented, how to present it and
also what the hard and definite consequences
will be if he does not cooperate
immediately. He will not stop without
having possibly detox, treatment and
an ongoing support program like AA.

The confrontation has to include specific
examples and times and also
must be done carefully to prevent
building a strong resentment
in your father against
you all because of what he
will see as an attack on him personally.

Alcoholics are very sensitive to
being pushed or rejected.
He may hide inside himself
and think life has dealt him another
bad blow.

If you confront him with no plan
for his sobriety you will fail.
He cannot stop on his willpower,
he has an addiction and will
need help. This is an illness
that you cannot cure by talking to him.

He may act cooperative and may even
try for awhile but without help arranged
he will fall back on drinking
and will not remember what he
said. He is in denial and represses
his thoughts and feelings.

Please look into intervention counselling
to do this right and prevent future
problems.

At the very least talk to some elder AA people
if possible for advice on approaching him.

Good luck!