Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/16/2010

Question
Hello Beverly,

Please help me!! Exactly 3 years ago my ex alcoholic of 4 years broke-up with me after a week into a 30 day program.  During the first year and only year while he was sober he did not speak to me.  The weekend he relapsed he contacted me.  It's been 2 years and he's an active drinker --a horrible drinker at that.  He comes in and out of my life.  I have not been able to move on with my life.  I'm am addicted to him and still love him very much.  He only calls when he's drunk and spends a day or two with me for about a month at a time and then disappears.  During the work week he does not contact me and will not respond to my text messages.  Recently he contacted me two Sundays in a row and then changed his number.  I don't understand why he is doing this to me.  Our last conversation was him asking me to lunch then he never returned my call.  During the conversation while he was drinking he mentioned that he wants to stay sober from now on.  I'm not sure what he meant because I am not a drinker.  I'm so upset about this.  Today I wrote him a letter and mailed it to him in hopes that he'll respond.  In the letter I mentioned to him that since he only contacts me once in a while and changes his number that I no longer wanted him to contact me. (we have both changed our numbers several times in the last 3 years)  I'm sure he will receive the letter and not respond.  I've been to several therapists, al-anon meetings and coda meetings and have also read "co-dependant no more."  Nothing has helped.  For the last 2 years he contacts me every 6 months then is gone again.  I guess the only reason I want him to contact me is because I want to tell him how I feel which I know will not make a difference.  Please help ... why am I so worried about hearing from this man?  He is sick and I'm thinking so am I to think he will change.  I feel like I am living for him and always waiting for his call.  Did I make the right choice by asking him to not contact me?  Also, when we are together we always sleep with eachother and he holds my hand kisses me and acts like we are still together.  He then reminds me that we will never be together.  Why would someone hurt another human being like this?

Answer
Hi Lena,

Alcoholic/addicts usually get into codependent relationships and as you know, this is exactly what's going on. This is an abusive relationship and you know this as well, but he's an addiction.

You've read books, done CODA groups, and seen a therapist, but you shouldn't give up on yourself.
This is also a self-esteem issue. I suggest that you find another therapist, who specializes in the addiction field, and is familiar with codependency issues.

This guy only diminishes your self-esteem even more. You mustn't allow him to abuse you, but you need the confidence to stand firm and not put up with him. When you've worked through the issues, you'll be able to move on.

This will be a struggle, but not nearly as painful as what you're going through right now.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com