Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/4/2010

Question
QUESTION: I met and married an alcoholic who has been sober for over 20 years.  I could not believe my good fortune as I do not want alcohol to be part of my life. We seemed to have so much going for us. I knew little of alcoholics or AA.  The marriage did not go well....I found him to be incredibly self centered and I could not get his attention.  He is an AA guru and very respected in the AA community and is a "successful" businessman.  I found it impossible to communicate openly with him as he was incredibly defensive over everything.  Consequently, I kept so many things to myself that I realized it was not how I could spend my life.  I let things happen too quickly as we married after only 18 months.  We tried counselling, but he could not handle it when the counsellor told him that the problem wasn't me, but rather his reaction...which was an over-reaction.  He has since projected so many things onto me, I feel confused.  I never realized that long term sobriety doesn't mean they don't have it together.  The sad part is that he sees me as the one with all the problems and interestingly he projects his things onto me.  He was quite miserable and I know that I didn't fall in love with "grumpy".  I feel as though I would not want to be with an alcoholic again, even if they are in recovery....he was fanatical about AA and attended at least 2 meetings a week....now he is going to about 5 a week.  He presents very well, but I don't believe that AA is therapy and while he is skilled at expressing himself, likely due to meetings, communication involves two people.  Is there any way to hold up the mirror for him to see himself, or is he likely too entrenched to hope that after this long he could change?  I real alot of literature on dry drunks and believe he fits the profile....but he presents so well, it's not easy to see, unless you live with him, which we didn't do before we married.   Thank you for your input.

ANSWER: Hi Darlene,

I think you nailed it. You're husband sounds like a 'dry drunk'. But he'd probably not admit it because after over 20 years in sobriety he's a guru at the meetings.

In AA language, he's clean, but not sober -- being sober is about the psychological hurdles in addiction. The AA program handles this by doing the the 12 steps.
Here's what they are:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/12-step-program-of-aa.html

As a long time member, your husband probably has sponsees and works the steps with them, but all sponsees should also have a sponsor.

Working the steps is not a 'one shot deal' because as your life changes, other problems arise. You have to keep doing them.

Your husband can also get help through private counseling, but he's probably more receptive to AA.

Ask him when he last worked the steps with a sponsor and suggest that it would be a good  to redo them, so he's not so 'grumpy'.  Tell him that he's not the fun loving guy that you married, and you want that person back. Hopefully, he'll take the lead and listen.

I hope this information is helpful
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What is interesting is that he rarely sponsors new members as he only really has time for those with long term sobriety....I found it almost a bit of AA arrogance.  I bought a book on ACOA and gave it to him.  He said it was the first time he knew of it and he connected to it and went on to start an ACOA meeting and get private help.  The problem is that he is so well presented that he is able to manipulate everything so that he comes out on top and not so bad, and it really is everyone else's problem.  The counselor we saw finally said to me that the reason why he went to counseling was to fix me, not himself.  His best friend told me that no matter what has ever gone wrong in his life (personal or business) it is never his fault.  No matter how hard I try, it he always puts it back onto me.  When I told him I had done some reading and thought he might be a dry drunk, he didn't speak to me for over 2 weeks and then never raised it....even if angry, wouldn't you want to know why someone close to you even suggested it?  I wasn't trying to hurt him and I always told him that he needed to know I loved him and would never do or say anything deliberately to hurt him so that maybe is he could start with that approach he wouldn't be so sensitive.  I guess I need to let it go....We are both in our mid 50's and I am kind of shocked at what it means to be an alcoholic in recovery....even if you have over 20 years sobriety.  Do you think it's possible for him to change?  He tells me that he never loved anyone as much as me, but the actions and the words are two such different things...I just don't see what he says to be true.   Sigh....there is good inside that alcoholic husband of mine, but I had no idea what it meant to be with one....even a clean one....never considered he might not be sober.  He has the BEST stage presence a dry drunk could have.  The irritableness, discontent, etc. is subtle to the world and was obvious to me.

Answer
Hi again Darlene,

AA is all about 'giving back' and the newcomer is supposed to be the most important person in the room. The reason for this is that the alcoholic is supposed to identify with that person, so they stay in touch with where they were and how grateful they are for not being there any more.

Seems that although your husband goes to the meetings, he doesn't want to remember where he was. He's being validated by others and doesn't want to look back -- a little twisted, but it feeds his ego.

Your husband is a proud person and a good 'actor'. That's the person he presents to others, but actually he's fragile. He probably does love you as he says, but like many other alcoholics, he has difficulty dealing with stress -- and he refuses to talk about it to anyone. It seems he has many unresolved issues (ex ACOA etc) But if he doesn't talk about them, you can't do anything about it.

The members at AlAnon may be helpful here. Perhaps you should go to a few meetings and ask how they deal with the 'dry drunk' problem.

Focus on the good stuff, and when he's irritable, discontent etc. just let him vent, but don't get into it. Words like 'I'm sorry you feel like that' etc can be helpful. When he's too overbearing, give yourself some space.

He's under pressure and he's not dealing appropriately with it, but focus on the good and be grateful that he hasn't gone back to his old way of dealing with stress.  

I hope this information helps you and
thanks again for asking AllExperts

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com