Expert: Clyde - 3/12/2010

Question
Please help shed some light on this. I have been with my man, andrew, for 4 years now. we are not married and do not have kids. I just turned 24 and he just turned 23 and we both live together with a joint checking account.
anyway, ever since he turned 21 all he does is drink everyday. It never interferes with his work or anything like that but he knows he's hurting the relationship and has continued to do it for the last 3 years. He drinks beer every night (sometimes its just 2, sometimes its a 6 pack.) and a lot of times he'll buy liquor to drink also. Usually all our extra money goes to beer/liquor. I tell him that I want to start a savings account but all he does is throw away money on beer,liquor and cigaretts CONSTANTLY. But this has more to do than with me getting upset because all the extra money goes to worthless things, but the way he treats me when he drinks bothers me more than anything.
It's gotten a lot better over the last year but he will act like a total ass to me and he usually ALWAYS breaks something around the apartment. You name it-pictures, candleholders, my cell phone, my computer monitor (really.) Also HOW he drinks liquor bothers me a lot- he doesn't take shots or make cocktails- he pours the liquor in a ROCKS GLASS and gulps down 2-3 shots at a time.
I try to talk to him but usually he's so drunk he doesn't even understand what im saying to him. It's so bad that I just hope he will pass out so I dont have to deal with it for the rest of the night. And lately, he's been drinking and driving which worries me even more. Just last night, he was already completely drunk and asked me for a shot and I refused, telling him "youre already drunk, im not giving you another." Well what does he do? He tries to drive to the bar at 1:30 AM and I PRY THE CAR KEYS OUT OF HIS HAND. What do I get in return? A broken LCD computer monitor, which is going to cost me $200 to get another one, All because he was drunk. He already has 1 DUI he got when he was 19 or so. He knows we cant afford a second one and he knows the consequences but continues to do it anyway and I just dont get why. He's 23 and acts like he's 17.
He's a great,sweet guy when he's sober but when he's drunk I dont even want to be in the same room with him. Nights like this usually happen 1-2 times a week, but it's enough to make me consider why i'm still with him because of the way he acts and treats me, and how he can just be so ruthless about destroying things.
Because of this, I dont even drink with him anymore. It's completely lost its fun and it usually just ends up with us yelling and screaming at each other at 1:00 in the morning.
He has never laid a hand on me but all the times he would yell at me/call me names/break things over the last 3 years has left me totally emotionally scared and i've just about had enough. He usually gets pretty drunk twice a week, the other few days out of the week he just drinks beer.
Now Im really starting to consider the fact he might be an alcoholic. It's rare when a night goes by that he drinks NOTHING.
I tell him how bad he's hurt me and that he needs to stop this before he ruins this relationship for good, but it just dosen't seem to get thru to him. He thinks i'm being "controlling" because I complain about how much money he just throws away on this habit, but it's not only about the spending and he knows it...I tell him it's bad for his health and that your killing your liver...etc and he will not listen.
Please help me. What do I do? He won't go to AA and he continues to overdrink liquor 1-2 times a week.
When do I say "enough is enough?"
Four years is a long time to be with someone and I do love him, but lately I've just thought about how much happier I would be if I never had to deal with this again. Please help me, I really need some advice.
Thank you so much for your time, it is greatly appreciated.

Answer
Mary,
   Thank you for your story and for the questions of desperation.  It is well understood by alcoholics who are recovered what you are going through.

    First of all, yes, this is alcoholic drinking and no, you did not cause it, you can not cure it, and you can not control it.  It is a disease that must be recognized by the suffering person, the drinker. Until such time as they are willing to confront their problem there is nothing beneficial that can be done.  That is the sad fact.

    You mention he will not go to AA and that is real unfortunate because that is the one place he could learn about the disease.  Maybe one day he will change his mind.

    This really boils down to one simple thing - drinking destroys one's maturity and one's reasoning.  This is a mind-altering effect that stays with the active alcoholic drunk or sober.  The key is to get sober, learn about alcoholism, and begin repairing the maturity lapse and the reasoning capabilities.  The problem is that the alcoholic is going to have to face the reasons why they think drinking is doing anything worthwhile for them.  Many drink to run form the truth about themselves, fears, guilt, remorse, etc.   There is not much you can do about this - he must be willing to look at all these areas and it is not done overnight- it takes time.

    As for what you should do?  Well, the truth of the matter you will want to look at yourself and be honest about why you allow this to be part of your life and relationship.  The person who deals with the alcoholic becomes as sick as the drinker and you will need to recover as well.  It may be you will want to hang around for this guy but I strongly suggest you consider Alanon, the group for the victims of alcoholics and their behaviors.  You have been deeply scarred by his actions and this must be addressed.

    If you will do this, then you can make some better decisions as to what you want for your life and make the necessary changes to have that future happen.

   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde