Expert: Druideck - 3/12/2010

Question
Please help shed some light on this. I have been with my man, andrew, for 4 years now. we are not married and do not have kids. I just turned 24 and he just turned 23 and we both live together with a joint checking account.
anyway, ever since he turned 21 all he does is drink everyday. It never interferes with his work or anything like that but he knows he's hurting the relationship and has continued to do it for the last 3 years. He drinks beer every night (sometimes its just 2, sometimes its a 6 pack.) and a lot of times he'll buy liquor to drink also. Usually all our extra money goes to beer/liquor. I tell him that I want to start a savings account but all he does is throw away money on beer,liquor and cigaretts CONSTANTLY. But this has more to do than with me getting upset because all the extra money goes to worthless things, but the way he treats me when he drinks bothers me more than anything.
It's gotten a lot better over the last year but he will act like a total ass to me and he usually ALWAYS breaks something around the apartment. You name it-pictures, candleholders, my cell phone, my computer monitor (really.) Also HOW he drinks liquor bothers me a lot- he doesn't take shots or make cocktails- he pours the liquor in a ROCKS GLASS and gulps down 2-3 shots at a time.
I try to talk to him but usually he's so drunk he doesn't even understand what im saying to him. It's so bad that I just hope he will pass out so I dont have to deal with it for the rest of the night. And lately, he's been drinking and driving which worries me even more. Just last night, he was already completely drunk and asked me for a shot and I refused, telling him "youre already drunk, im not giving you another." Well what does he do? He tries to drive to the bar at 1:30 AM and I PRY THE CAR KEYS OUT OF HIS HAND. What do I get in return? A broken LCD computer monitor, which is going to cost me $200 to get another one, All because he was drunk. He already has 1 DUI he got when he was 19 or so. He knows we cant afford a second one and he knows the consequences but continues to do it anyway and I just dont get why. He's 23 and acts like he's 17.
He's a great,sweet guy when he's sober but when he's drunk I dont even want to be in the same room with him. Nights like this usually happen 1-2 times a week, but it's enough to make me consider why i'm still with him because of the way he acts and treats me, and how he can just be so ruthless about destroying things.
Because of this, I dont even drink with him anymore. It's completely lost its fun and it usually just ends up with us yelling and screaming at each other at 1:00 in the morning.
He has never laid a hand on me but all the times he would yell at me/call me names/break things over the last 3 years has left me totally emotionally scared and i've just about had enough. He usually gets pretty drunk twice a week, the other few days out of the week he just drinks beer.
Now Im really starting to consider the fact he might be an alcoholic. It's rare when a night goes by that he drinks NOTHING.
I tell him how bad he's hurt me and that he needs to stop this before he ruins this relationship for good, but it just dosen't seem to get thru to him. He thinks i'm being "controlling" because I complain about how much money he just throws away on this habit, but it's not only about the spending and he knows it...I tell him it's bad for his health and that your killing your liver...etc and he will not listen.
Please help me. What do I do? He won't go to AA and he continues to overdrink liquor 1-2 times a week.
When do I say "enough is enough?"
Four years is a long time to be with someone and I do love him, but lately I've just thought about how much happier I would be if I never had to deal with this again. Please help me, I really need some advice.
Thank you so much for your time, it is greatly appreciated.

Answer
Mary,

I can save you some time by saying that
from all you have told me your boyfriend
is definitely an alcoholic.
Was there any drinking in your home
of origin? If so, this bad behaviour
may be something you are familiar with.
Was your dad or mom alcoholic or someone
close to you?

I can say that making threats or arguing
is not going to work.
You can not reason with drunk people.
If he is as I suspect an alcoholic
he will continue to lose control
and will continue to drink unless
he makes a decision to get help
and stop drinking.

First thing is to stop trying to fight
him as this is an illness of the body
and mind. You would have as much luck
fighting any other illness you know of
in another person.

Alcoholics do not have to drink everyday
but they do experience the loss of control
and gulping drinks as you described.

They often blackout and do not remember
things about their drinking episode.

You can start learning to take care of
yourself and let him deal with his problems.
I would highly recommend getting your
bank account separated from his.

He may get very bad before seeking help.
You can tell him what you are not willing to
accept but be willing to carry through
on your plans. You will most likely
have to carry out any threats you make
such as leaving or separating from him.

Alcoholism is stronger than any love
he may have right now.
It will win until he gets counselling,
treatment and attends AA regularly.
This may take a few months to do and
it may take much time to gain sober stability.

If he continues as he is doing now he will die
from either accident, mental, physical problems
or end up in jail.

There is only one good ending, he stops drinking
by getting help or he goes down and takes
you with him.

It is harsh but that is the way alcohol works.
It may take some time but you will be better
off getting some help for yourself in counselling
or Al-Anon to deal with this.

If you need anything clarified Mary please
let me know. I know alcoholism is very
confusing. Take care!