Expert: Beverley Glazer - 4/5/2010

Question
Heartbreaking decision - I have been married for 15 yrs. We have wonderful kids. Alcohol has played a huge role in his life, in our marriage. It’s become much worse in the last few years. When he drinks he becomes a different person, mean, ugly, hateful and abusive mentally and physically. He used to only take his anger out on me, but now it doesn’t matter who he hurts mentally with his words. He has become over protective and jealous of everyone and anyone who talks to me.  Even when sober that name calling and accusations of made up theories continue. In my anger and defense, I tell him I am leaving and can’t take no more. In reality the guilt of leaving and wanting a happy life takes over, and I end of staying.  The promises of behavior change always follows the next day.  HE is always sorry for what took place, but NEVER seems to remember anything he said.  All the horrible name calling, pushing, aggressiveness is gone from his memory… so he says. He denies ever being this person and saying such horrible things.  HOW can that be?? Does he remember or is he just pretending – not wanting to remember because he cant face the fact he is this person??  When is enough …enough?? When is it ok for me to say I cant do this anymore.  I’m dieing in side.  
What about the kids, what they see and hear? It’s to the point that he don’t want to live at times, claiming he would rather be dead than loose me.  How can I leave and live with that on my mind?  Do I stay and let this continue? Do I go and risk him hurting himself?

Answer
Hi Susan,

To answer your question: yes alcohol can change the personality and this is what you're experiencing. When your husband is drinking, he becomes abusive and most likely does not remember what he has said or done. He also does not want to believe that he's acted so badly, and  feels guilty about drinking so much.

Only you can know when 'enough is enough'. And it's absolutely OK for you to tell him that 'can't take it any more' -- but don't say it unless you  mean it.

Chances are that you're in a co-dependent relationship and when you're co-dependent it's very hard to leave. Here's some info on that:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/how-to-break-up.html

Your husband claims that he would rather be dead than lose you. Threatening death is the ultimate manipulation to keep you.

When he says something like that, you should tell him that you love him but he's killing himself anyway, and he's destroying you and the family.   Tell him that he has a choice, he can keep drinking or get help and if he doesn't get help, he's forcing you to leave.

You are living in an abusive relationship. It would be helpful for you to go to Al-Anon meetings. The members are all in a similar situation and this can be very supportive, particularly when he's at his worst.  If there are CODA groups in your area, it would also be helpful.

You can do nothing about stopping an alcoholic from drinking, but if he doesn't change, you have no option, for the sake of the kids, your sanity and self esteem, you must move on.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com