Expert: Druideck - 4/30/2010

Question
Hi there.

My husband is an alcoholic. He's been in AA and sober for 18 months now. I am a member of our local Al-Anon. I have spoken to his sponsor a few times as well as other members of AA and Al-Anon and I understand that he is going through phases of being happy/ok and then not being happy. What scares me is that although he attends two meetings a week, see's his sponsor once a week, is in contact with members of AA daily and attends the AA Area Assembly meeting once a month, he is currently going through a very depressed stage. It scares me because this morning he said to me that he is on the verge of relapsing. I understand that I can't control him/his drinking and I can't cure it, but I do feel there must be something I can do to help him right now. I am a manic depressive and am on a very mild anti-depressant that allows me to cope with every day situations without making mountains out of mole-hills. I really feel that my husband needs to speak to a doctor and get himself on some kind of anti-depressant. I have read the AA pamphlet "The AA member - Medications %26 other Drugs" and understand the risks involved. He does have a drug history as well, which worries me even more. But he can't carry on like this. I would like to know in your opinion, should I approach the subject with him or not and if so, what would be the best way to do so? We have a wonderful General Practitioner who knows and understands that my husband is an alcoholic and my next step is to ask his advice on the situation, but I wanted to hear from someone in recovery themselves first.
Thank you for your time. I understand and respect that whatever you may reply, is your opinion and not that of a professional or AA as a whole.

Answer
Natalie,

I can understand your concern with your husband's
health. I would certainly encourage him
to make use of the medical assistance available.

It can be a big question as to a recovering
person taking drugs of any kind due to
the possibility of the drugs being a
pathway back to their preferred drug
of alcohol. Usually mild over the counter
drugs are okay taken in moderation.
If he takes a mind-altering type drug
it may cause his thinking to wander
away from recovery and cause a relapse.

If he is having problems these are things
he should be talking about in meetings
or at least with you or his sponser.
What is he feeling? Is it just the depression
that commonly follows a change in lifestyle?

Ups and downs are common for people in recovery.
These emotional upheavals do improve over
time as new skills are developed in coping.

Also, it takes much time to retrain an
alcoholics thought processes in recovery.
He has to let go of his negative thoughts
and replace them with new better thoughts.

This cognitive healing is a lifetime process.
I am 25 years sober and have been through
all these bad experiences but I knew that
drinking would never make things better
only worse.

Depression can also be a chemical reaction
to the stress of being sober.
Some people have to learn new ways of
combating depression, sadness and stress.

Some of the best non-drug ways of coping
can be just talking openly to someone you
trust. Also meditation and prayer are a good
way to rest the mind.

An alcoholics mind left to itself will
always tend to the negative aspects
of things.
I had to bury my head in the twelve X twelve
and big book often just to keep sane.

Also keeping a journal of your thoughts and
feelings can be a great way to analyze
your thought patterns.

Much of this is covered when a person decides
his drinking is over and also gives up
any and all excuses to drink.

This is sometimes a turning point for
an alcoholic. Will he use the depression
as an excuse to pick up a drink
or will he give up all the excuses and do
whatever is available to him to recover.

I think sometimes alcoholism can
be very seductive in the way it lures
you back to the first drink.
It wants to destroy him, that's
what alcoholism does.

Tell him he has to give up drinking
no matter how he feels or he will die anyway.
We are addictive people and must be on guard
at all times.

I believe a big part of his depression
may be due to the necessity of
changing his way of life and the need
to give up alcohol to survive.

Going to work on the twelve step
program is essential to his future
happiness. If all he is doing is
attending AA meetings and functions that is okay
but not enough to develop a strong sobriety.

I would suggest he start keeping a journal,
looking at his thoughts, talking more
openly to trusted people about his thoughts
and feelings. Much quiet time and prayer
are another cornerstone to recovery.

Relapse is always a relapse in thinking
patterns first. The thoughts that accompany
depression play a big part in
causing a drinking relapse.

Alcoholics can't afford to let their
minds wander, we cannot handle alcohol
and we cannot handle free thought.
This is the time to surrender to
working the steps with sincerity.
That will be the true path to
peace for him, one day at a time.

I welcome him to write me if he is willing.
Sobriety is not an easy path to follow.
We have to accept whatever help we
can find and hold on, it does get better.

Hope this made some sense.