Expert: Beverley Glazer - 4/2/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello
I'm standing at a crossroads in a relationship that has become very emotionally draining for me. I think my girlfriend might be an alcoholic, but I am not sure. She is so high functioning and has developed such a tolerance that it doesn't seem to affect her.

We started dating last year during a time in both our lives when we were able to spend a lot of time not working (I work in education and she was laid off due to the economic downturn). We did a reasonable amount of drinking together, after all it was summer, we had barbecues to go to and took a few holidays. I wasn't affected too much and I can stop drinking whenever I feel like it. I am a happy drunk. However, what I started to notice is that my girlfriend started to get emotional and teary while drinking, either about her life or things that I was not doing properly in the relationship. Later on I noticed she had a terrible temper towards me when drinking and would verbally abuse me. When she's had a lot to drink, she is incredibly unpleasant and abrasive.

She got a job last October, and with all her new money, she started to drink on weeknights and would come home to me very late, staggering, with slurred speech. Sometimes she would drink more after coming home drunk. I finally became worried about it enough to question her drinking. She reacted with anger and told me she has gotten along fine drinking however much she wants and that I would never put parameters on her lifestyle. I would continue to be an enabler to her drinking, but only at parties or on weekends. One time at a family function her sister brought along a few bottles of wine and her father told her sister not to over serve her, because he has noticed the extent of her alcohol consumption. She caught wind of this and was furious. She got so drunk at a Halloween party that she passed out and I had to get a cab for us, she didn't regain consciousness until after we got home. After any party or dinner when there was alcohol involved, she would buy another bottle of wine at the liquor store and drink it afterwards. I would go along with it otherwise she would get angry.

On new years eve she (and I) had been drinking since 4PM, and when our designated driver told us we would have to wait for a little while, until he sobered up and drive us home, my girlfriend acted out viciously towards me, saying I abandoned her, she hated me, I was a bad boyfriend, and every time i tried to defend myself she would tell me to shut up and get even angrier. The next day she was drinking beer in the daytime to calm her anger, and argued with me more about the night before and threw the TV remote control at me, smashing it on the wall.
She eventually apologized but still continued to drink heavily, including weeknights. Last week I had to pick her up from work (she had been drinking at the bar and was drunk) and she picked a fight with me over nothing and damaged the interior of my car and verbally abused me again. I have since stopped communicating with her and I think I have had enough. My trust is gone and I don't think I can continue under these circumstances or endure any more drunken abuse. I'm not a perfect boyfriend but I would never do or say the things that my girlfriend has been subjecting me to.

This is a 35 year old woman who is highly intelligent, highly successful and career driven, is very social, and admired and loved by her colleagues and friends. She is a master homemaker and decorator and in general is extremely talented. She had a very difficult upbringing and went through years of substance abuse and bad relationships before me. I think of myself as the first decent guy she's ever dated, yet she treats me very well sometimes, and other times is outright abusive.

My question is this: what is more important to her, the relationship with me, or her drinking? Why won't she moderate? She has made it abundantly clear that she will never modify her drinking for me and that I am preaching and judging her when I state that I'm worried she might be an alcoholic and our future plans are at stake if she continues to drink the way she does. I do admit that since she is so high functioning that her drinking does not affect her. She never gets hung over, and seems to function fine at home or at work after a night of heavy drinking.
Is she an alcoholic, and if she is, what is her prognosis? Is it going to get better or worse? She told me she just wants me to "relax". She defends her drinking so vigorously that I second guess myself. Does this relationship stand a chance? I still love her. Thanks for listening,

Al

ANSWER: Hi Alan,

When you're involved with an alcoholic, you are second -- the drink is first. This is an abusive relationship.

Here's more information: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/abusive-relationship.html

Your girlfriend has had a difficult childhood which led to problems in her former relationships.  But she also has many good qualities, or you wouldn't have stayed around. She will fight to keep drinking as well as keep the relationship, but don't get confused about this. There are no kids involved here, so now is the time to make your decision.

At 35 years old, she's still young, but eventually the years of heavy drinking will take it's tole and she won't be able to keep up the facade. To answer your questions: She can't moderate her drinking because she's an alcoholic. Once she starts drinking she'll keep at it. She is in denial that drinking is causing problems and blames you instead of herself for drinking. This is called denial, and denial always accompanies addiction. Her denial must be broken to give her a reason to change her life. In AA language, 'she must hit bottom'.

It won't get better unless she does something about it -- and I don't think that at this point, your girlfriend is ready to change.

Tell her to go to AA or get addiction counseling for the sake of the relationship. Tell her she's ruining her mental and physical health and you love her, but can't keep watching her kill herself and that you'll have to leave.

Hopefully this will be a wake-up call, but if she doesn't do anything to turn her life around, you have no choice. You have to move on.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Good luck!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I wrote her a letter. I told her I'm not perfect and want to change in a way that's conducive to the relationship. I wrote a lot about her drunken rages and how they've been affecting me, and how she has been treating/talking to me in general. I even included compassion for her. I told her I want her to take better care of herself, and asked if she plans on continuing to drink in the way that she has been long term. We have made long term plans and if she continues to drink like she does and treat me the same way as she has been, I will be miserable. I know this, but in my heart I still love her. She has made no indication that she plans to address this issue.
Her reaction to the letter was extremely negative. She called it accusatory and full of blame; and that I labeled her as a she-devil and me as a saint. That is absolutely not the case. It focused on her behavior and how I have been affected. She hasn't even apologized for the damage she did to the inside of my car, acknowledged it, or offered to pay for it. She told me she was considering coming back to the intimacy and good times that we had in the past but thanks to the "hateful" letter, that I can forget it. She's told me all this with such conviction that I think I'm the crazy one. I'm devastated. What now?

Answer
Hi again Al,

You poured your heart into that letter, but your girlfriend twisted everything around. In other words, she's taken no responsibility for her behavior and remains in denial or her drinking.  In a good relationship, you don't have to agree with the other person, but you should understand the thoughts and feeling of the other and take them into consideration. It seems that she's not considerate of you on many levels.

Alcoholic/addicts usually get involved in codependent relationships. Ask yourself if this is what's going on:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html


Break-ups are difficult in the best of times, but if you're codependent, they're particularly hard.

Your girlfriend told you what she did with conviction because she actually believes that she's right. She wants you there for the 'good times',
but only on her terms. Staying in this relationship will not only deminish your self-esteem, but it will prevent you from the opportunity of creating a more positive life for yourself -- and the longer you stay, the harder it gets. This is always painful, but you are not crazy and you're entitled to your feelings. Stand firm in your beliefs and move on.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Good luck!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com