Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 4/20/2010

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year.   Within the past few months I have come to the realization that he has no control with alochol.  He is a “binge” drinker.  Once he starts he cant stop.. He currently has 2 duis, (and still drives on a revoked license I might add) one in which he will be entering the Drug Court Program here shortly.  I believe that he believes he has a problem controlling his drinking.  I am not sure he see's this as a life long situation for himself, but am hoping he will come to see that light during treatment.  When he does binge drink, which is normally stress induced, he can get to a point of black out.  Saying/doing/Acting in such abnormal mean ways he doesnt even remember whats hes done.  and it has all been directed at me during these outbursts, ofcourse. I can't say that there has ever been an apology either. There has been remorse for himself (if that makes sense) but then Im suppose to just get over it basically and REtrust him again. VERY hard to do..I obviously hang on to things.  We use to have nice talks and nice times together, without the drinking.   Now there is just picking.  Even when he is not drinking I feel like Im being manipulated now.  or how I say these days "going crazy".   He will ask question after question about my past, (boyfriends or experiences) or about something I have said to him, or just anything to get me to be defensive and then argue.  In my light bulb moments I recognize this behavior, yet there are other times (not so light bulb moments) that his berating of how he can't do anything right to make me happy DOES make me feel like its my fault.  the arguments and/or bickering.  I have also had trust issues with him for talking to other women, phone and online.  and have caught him doing this.. says he will stop all communication, and then I will find again that he hasnt. But its my fault hes unable to make me happy...??...  I am definatley at a cross roads.. I know this relationship is posinous for me (and my family)  but do feel as if I will be abandoning him.. I don’t understand these feelings I have and why..??   my mind shifts from one answer then to the other.. theres a part of me that wants to be there for him and help him, but another that’s so insulted I just don’t know if I can be in this…  I really do feel like Im going crazy…  can you help me?

Answer
Dear Alexis

He is not your responsibility. The real question is why you feel obligated to stay with him when he is behaving this way. Your happiness is your responsibility. There is no guilt or shame in leaving someone who acts this way. He is who he is. If he cleans up his act and starts acting responsibly, you might give it another go, otherwise get on with your life!