Expert: Beverley Glazer - 4/24/2010

Question
Robyn - My wife's alcoholism spiraled out of control in 2007.  She went to rehab in Sept 2007, and her drinking was significantly worse when she returned home.  It was brutal.  We have 4 little girls.  In Feb 2008, she got drunk before taking the children to the circus.  She had a minor accident, but it could have been much worse.  She had a bac of 0.33.  I was awarded sole physical custody of our children and she went to rehab for 90 days, then lived in a halfway house for 9 months.  We went to mariage counseling and I've been going to alanon since 2007.  She didn't really seem to take responsibility, just called the incidents "mistakes" and nevfer wanted to discuss, but was very interested in talking about all of her resentments about me and others in her life.  In FEb 2009, I thought that she had developed a good support network, and we invited her to move home.  Things were great for 6 months and then the drinking and driving started again.  I asked her to move out, but she came up with an ingeneous plan - just deny that any of it happened.  She is asking for sole custody of the children.  Although my wife was not arrested again, we have significant evidence from our children's statements.  Unfortunately, her family was aware of her drinking and driving, but they are not speaking up because they feel she has learned her lesson.  What I have a hard time with is that now that we are getting divorced, she can maintain her sobriety.  She completely discounts and denies that she was drinking and driving for three months last winter.  I should be awarded physical custody, but I am bracing for a really ugly time once the divorce is finalized.  I have tried to talk to her about generous visitation - no driving with the girls, but come to the home as oftern as you'd like.  What do you think the chances of a relapse once the divorce is finalized?  She does not attend AA meetings - she's comfortable that she knows what she did wrong last time, and has it this time.  Sorry for all the bacground.  I know it's naive, but I did expect her to say - yes, I did these things and I understand that the consequences are living on my own.

Thanks for the response.

Dave

Answer
Hi Dave,

I suspect that if your wife has remained sober, it's because she's fighting for the custody of her kids. If this is the case, if she doesn't get what she wants, she'll relalpse.

To change drinking behavior, she must not be in denial and accept that she brought this on herself. She also has to understand that for the sake of the kids, going with Dad is the responsible thing right now.  She needs a support system and not simply stay dry. There are emotional issues that have to be addressed. These issues brought her into addiction in the first place. In AA this is handled by doing the 12 Steps with a sponsor.

She may not be attending meetings, however, she may be getting counseling to help her get through this. Counseling can also work.

Don't expect her to acknowledge the consequences, or see your generosity regarding visitation. At this point, she's very angry. Typical of alcoholic behavior is the feeling, "I want what I want, when I want it".  Nothing else matters. I hope she's able to let this anger go, because anger is another trigger for her to revert to the bottle.

What you're doing is best for both you and the kids, but it's not easy. After much consideration, you're moving forward. You did what has to be done and I wish you the best.

Also, your question wasn't picked up from the general question pool for over 2 weeks. If you'd like a quicker response, feel free to send your query to my attention. We're obligated to answer our pending questions first.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com