Expert: Beverley Glazer - 4/29/2010

Question
ok....i just wrote a whole thing then my computer crashed!!!!! So here goes: I feel like i am at my wits end with my boyfriend. HE denies that he is an alcoholic. We have been together for about 6 months now and a month into our relationship i realized he was drinking 1 and 1/2 18 pack beer bottles. I asked him to please only drink the 18 pack. A few weeks ago i asked him to please cut back to a 12 pack .....he has been good so far but just last week we were low on money and he took all that we had to get himself beer. I am a smoker and he uses that in his defense too. But i tell him i dont become intoxicated so it shouldnt count. So....the first beer for him is usually 9 or 10 in the morning. Today we had a huge fight...we have been arguing since i told him he is an alcoholic and needs help last week; but todays fight was over the top. He yells at me to accept my faults and to be "professional" (i am a RN). But he got kicked out of the navy 2 years ago for having multiple OUI's ...but still wont admit that hes an alcoholic. He drinks when he drives. Oh, and he is divorced....his kids and ex-wife have all asked me if i know that he is an alcoholic. I say yes i do....but i feel embarrassed of it at all. HELP PLEASE. I go to my counselor (a psychologist) on friday...but i am feeling overwhelmed at the moment. He just took our only car (no plates, insurance, inspection sticker, suspended license) and left me here. my mom is here with me. Also, when we argue he always says "ok bring it back on me" tells me i'm defewnsive, and will never let down; its never his fault in his mind.

Answer
Hi Loretta,

No matter how alcohol has effected his life, your boyfriend is staying in denial. Denial keeps him doing the same behavior and gives himself excuses to keep it. You say or do nothing about his drinking. He will simply get angry, blame you and do what he wants to do.

You can do anything about him, however, you can help yourself. As an RN, you are probably a care-giver -- and he'll take advantage of that. It's important not to enable him in any way. Here's some information on that:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

When you stop enabling, he has to suffer the consequences of drinking. An alcoholic has to suffer enough to break denial and make him think about getting help.

As for yourself, along with counseling, it might be helpful to go to Al-anon meetings. These are for meetings of families of alcoholics and it will help you to understand what's going on, and help you make the decision if you want to continue with this guy.

Also, I notice that your question was not picked up for over a week. If you want a quicker response, feel free to send it directly to me.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Good Luck!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com