Expert: Clyde - 4/8/2010

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years. I know that his drinking will be a live long struggle and I have come to accept that. My question is why does he try to push me out of his life when hes trying to stay sober? I have supported him in all of his programs.Why does he do this? It hurts and I would like to understand.

Answer
Karen,
   Thank you for your e-mail and questions.  I know it is hard to watch as someone tries to get and stay sober.  It takes a toll sometimes on relationships.  I can only tell you this: A person who has drank alcoholically for a long time has built up some pretty bad habits in thinking and it takes time to process through all that stuff. It is stuff that covers up the real "us."  As it is peeled away we learn who we really are.

   The tough part for those who love us is seeing the "New" or the "real" person and sometimes it will be really strange - to you and to them.  Chances are he has some guilt and shame associated with his relationship with you - things he has done or said that he will need to be coming clean about and eventually making amends.  If this is the case you can see how he might be ashamed of these things.  You can not force him to work through issues - he must do that on his own.

   The important thing is that it is more than likely nothing to do with you so try not to worry about what you are doing wrong.  Unfortunately, we have to understand that he may even be answering the question of "does he want to be with you as a sober person?" Will you like the real person he is?  ALl sorts of possibilities here.

   Best advice - don't take yourself too seriuosly and let him know you are still there for him even when he pulls away.  If your relationship is meant to be, it will be even stronger as he gets more and more clear headed about himself and his new life.

   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde