Expert: Beverley Glazer - 4/19/2010

Question
My boyfriend whom I can't imagine living without has an alcohol problem that isn't going away. He has never gotten help before. We have been together for 16 months and have been living together for about 1 year. I met him in my party phase. I'm 23 and he's 32. We are both musicians and he's got a lot of cool friends but they don't drink he does.  His drinking has toned down a lot in the last year since we've been together.  My boyfriend also has a bladder problem that he's aware of and has had since he was a kid, its smaller or weaker or whatever but in the past year he has peed our bed 10 times from over drinking.  I think he started drinking really young because he was beat horribly in his childhood and to rebell.  Whenever I get upset with him about peeing his bed he starts to name call himself and say I know I'm a loser I should just kill myself. My thing is this wouldn't have happened if you drank over 12 beer at the night of the party.  The other thing I hate to see is him have a drink in the morning after the night of a big party.  Don't be so mad its just one drink. So I storm off, then his friend wakes up and they drink all day and we don't talk.  
I have given him many chances and he swears he will be better and change.  Im sick of the lies and promises and him turning everything around on me. In the long run yes sum things have gotten better, he nothing compared to how he was when I met him but I always find myself regulating his drinking and his spending and I feel I am the one with all the responsibility.  The last couple times I said we should break up he threatens me with moving away. I say I want to be with you, I love you but I can't live with you.  He says we'll theres no where else for me to go. I am sick of having these ultimatum talks and threating that I am going to leave.  He says we'll you have a drinking problem too, but I control my drinking. I can't drink too much because I get sleepy so I keep it at a minimum or drink lots of water.  Anyways at this point I stayed at my friends last night, she says dump him, my dad says go to Al-anon.  I asked my boyfriend to go and he says ya sure no problem. I asked him to do it together with me.  He says "he wants to", and I say "do it for yourself not me", and he says "we'll I never knew you were this mad about it or that I had a drinking problem, I don't have to drink everyday but if I quit I need you to quit and you cant be drinking around me. I'd like to see how long you last too". I think I can do it for the support. I would like to see him control the drinking, its when it becomes too much and people get hurt, things arn't getting done that I have the problem.
Sincerely,
Jazmine Ducharme

Answer
Hi Jazmine,

Your boyfriend is the only one who can change his drinking habits and it seems that he's still in denial about how bad it is. He also has lots of baggage from the past and hopefully he'll deal with it, but the alcohol must the first to go.

Alcoholics/addicts often get into codependent relationships, and if you're a co-dependent it is hard to get out.

Here's some information on this: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html

Don't let him 'guilt you' into staying. When he's embarrassed or negaitve. Tell him that alcohol is a depressive so of course he feels like a loser. Tell him that you love him, and you can't stand seeing him kill himself with drink. Tell him that he's improved, but it's not good enough. Demand that he gets help through AA or addiction counseling and if he doesn't, although you regret it, for the sake of your sanity, you'll have to move on.

Al-anon is for families of alcoholics. It may help to understand the problem, but it's not for him. He has to be much more proactive about his addiction. You are only 23 and have your whole life ahead of you. He may be a great guy, but an alcoholic's first relationship is with the bottle--and unless he gets help, it will eventually get worse. Seriously consider if it's in your best interest to stay with him.  But if your decision is to move out, you have to act on it. This may be the wake-up call he needs to get help.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Good luck!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com