Expert: Beverley Glazer - 4/10/2010

Question
My question hopefully is a simple one, but I am hoping in return for some real honest and truthful help. I have recently met a great man who is in treatment, he recently had a set back and got into a fight. He told me he didn't even know why he did it, and that he doesn't want to drink. He is now approaching 60 days sober and I think that is amazing.  I want to show him that I support him.  He also told me that he has had this problem since being a tweener.  I don't know much about that situation.  I can tell that he is interested in me and I am with him.  I will not judge him because of his current situation but I do want to know am I doing the right thing by falling for a guy who is in treatment.  Is he doing the right thing by falling for someone while he is in treatment.  Can we possibly have a relationship that could last forever.  I so want to be his friend and hopefully more.  I don't want him to ever feel that I am just in it for a short while and if he slips that I am outta there.  How do we create a relationship with each other without letting his being sober the main focus.  I want him to know that I am there for him whenever he needs me, but I guess my concern is that I have never since him when he has been drinking (and I hope I never will) and since he was in a fight the last time is that something I should be fearful of, that maybe I would get hurt, physically.  Should I be upfront and ask him if he has ever been  physically abusive with any females in past relationships.  I am hoping for advice on how to proceed in this relationship in an honest and truthful and supportive manner.  I really do like this man and I feel that there really could be something there.  Please help me, I don't want to loose him before we even have a chance to really get started.  I have also heard that people in treatment have trouble being intimate or that they shouldn't be in a relationship while in recovery...is this a personal choice or a medicably scientifically proven fact.  Thanks for your help.
Sleepless in the City

Answer
Hi Cate,

This guy is new to recovery and although he's doing well, it is only 60 days. He is not stable.

When a person is new to recovery it is advisable that they don't get into any intimate relationships for at least a year. The reason for this, is he has to work on himself and his sobriety first. If he goes to AA, he should talk about his problems with his sponsor, as well as work on the 12 steps. The steps address the emotional problems that got him into trouble in the first place.

Your boyfriend acknowledges that he had a difficult childhood. He also must deal those issues as well as learn to live life and all its pressures, without escaping into alcohol or drugs. The first year of sobriety is an adjustment. The second-year also has its challenges, but his life would be more stable. If your boyfriend is not part of the AA program, he should talk to a counselor, or go to after care, if he was in a residential facility.

You should always be upfront with him and express your feelings. It's very easy to enable someone in recovery because you're afraid that they will drink or use. You are not responsible for his behavior. He has the option to drink or use at any time.

Here is some information on enabling that can be helpful: http://untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

It's apparent that your boyfriend has anger issues that he also must address to stay sober.

Tell him that you support him in his new sober life, but you should be very cautious of an intimate relationship with him right now. When you're involved with someone new to recovery, you're playing with fire. Take it very slowly.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllEexperts

All the best

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com