Expert: Druideck - 4/10/2010

Question
My sister is 19 years old, I'm 24 years old (we are about 5 1/2 years apart). My sister's alcohol problem had started while I was a way in college, so she must have started as just a social drinker when she was 14-15 years old, and over the last 3-4 years she has become dependent on it. I have a hard time coping with 'my little sister' drinking because I never really saw, but heard about all the things she was doing. I believe that dependence of alcohol started because she needed a way to cope with our father's Alzheimer. She becomes very violent (i have had to call the police on her two times b/c i was afraid she would send my mom or myself to the hospital), at one point she stopped hiding her alcohol, but recently she has started to hide it again.

What hurts me the most is I have heard her talk on a number of occasions about how she knows she has a problem, and will say she wants help. My mom then goes through the process of finding her help (recently it was outpatient) and once it is setup for her to get it. She either flakes out all the time, or claims she can handle it on her own. Her friends aren't helping the situation either. They either give it too her, or the ones who know she is trying to get help(and want her to get help)don't do anything to help the situation either.

A number of people also believe my mom is an enabler. I really can't understand why they have come to that conclusion, when my mom has tried to get my sister help, but now that my sister is over 18 she cant just force my sister in the car and drive her to a place. My mom has had to be treat our family like a single parent household for over 6 years, she becomes overwhelmed and my sister gets set to the side not on purpose, but i do see it. Recently though, I feel like my sister has turned me into the enabler (for a long time when i first noticed the problem, i would take the alcohol and dump it down the sink and put the bottle back in her room b/c she would make me so angry) she stole my drivers license years ago and in 09 it was expired and just recently she stole my new one. I am so sick of her using "me" as a way to enable herself, and i don't know what to do to stop that other than waiting for her to finally turn 21 and have no point in using my license b/c they wont flag licenses to let places know its not the right one. I don't want to have to carry all my identification information on me at all times, i shouldn't have too.

Answer
Hello Liz,

the struggle to understand alcoholism
is very difficult for families or
anyone on the outside of the illness.

As alcohol dependence increases the
person becomes sicker in every aspect
of a person. They go downhill mentally,
physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Enabling is when you allow the person
to continue behaving badly
and keep letting it happen
which is not good for them in the
long run as they will not see that
they have to change in order to survive.

Alcoholics will go to extreme ends
to continue practising their disease.
I call it a illness or disease because
alcoholics in recovery behave much
like other people and are aware
how sick they were.

As you say it is difficult to help someone
when they don't want help.
Drinkers are very stubborn and don't
like being pushed around.

Often what drives a problem drinker
into accepting treatment, counselling and
AA meetings is because things are out
of control and they have no one around
to take their abusive behaviour or
help them out of scrapes or trouble.

The only thing other than hitting an
emotional bottom is arranging
an intervention with a counsellor
and concerned people present.

This can take a month or two to organize.
The counsellor must organize it
to be effective.
This pushes the drinker into help
or to experience serious consequences.
The consequences may be breaking off
all relationship until the person gets
help. This is very hard but can sometimes
save a life. It can also result
in the person leaving and continuing
to drink and live in chaos.

At some point we must also let go and
let life take over.
Your sister may have to go through
whatever pain will wake her from
her lifestyle and illness.

It is hard I know, I never sought
help until I lost my wife, family
and home. Even then it was up and
down until I finally gave up
fighting and surrendered to getting
help. The path that worked for me
was counselling, treatment, and
about a year in Alcoholics Anonymous
meetings for support.
Recovery is a process of learning how
to live again sober and takes
a lifetime.

I suggest you can also attend Al-Anon
to get support for your struggles
with your sister.
Sometimes healing your own self
can result in curiosity by
the drinker. She may wonder
why everyone has suddenly
stopped fighting her and
are letting her be responsible for
her own life and behaviours as an adult
should be.

Take care!