Expert: Beverley Glazer - 5/30/2010

Question
I have attended Al-anon where I live in NV. My question, however, is for a good friend of mine. He has been married to an alcoholic for 28 years. He would like to divorce this woman. The one thing holding him back is his 16-yr-old daughter. His wife is a violent alcoholic. He works out of town four days a week and is home the other three. The daughter wants to stay in the town where they live. His fear is, of course, that if he is out of the picture, his wife will hurt his daughter. He cannot convince the daughter to come with him. My situation was similar in some ways and though, I knew the potential for violence was present and getting closer to the surface (his inhibitions seemed to be lowering, I guess you could say),  I got out before it came to that. We lived in another state briefly until he lost his job (we moved from NV in 2007) and he returned to Nevada in 2008. My daughter came here to play with her old softball team. Then she did not want to come back with me. (I believe in her mind, it was the best of both worlds – she had friends at both places.) I didn’t feel good leaving her with her dad so I moved back and filed for divorce shortly after. She decided to live with me. I’ve told my friend all this.  He is very unsure of what course of action to pursue because he fears for his daughter’s safety.

I know he needs to make the call as to what he does. I think I may be too close to the situation to be objective. Would you be able to offer some options, ideas, alternatives?

Kim

Answer
Hi Kim,

Your friend has to make up his mind. Does he want to divorce his violent alcoholic wife or not?

If he's concerned about working out of town four days a week, he's leaving his daughter in a potentially dangerous environment, without supervision, and he's the one who has to change.

Does his wife work? If not, how does she get money to drink? If your friend gives her money for alcohol he's enabling her.

Here's more information on the subject : http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

His wife will be very angry, however, but it's only when alcoholics are comfronted will they get help. She has to be pushed into it.

When you enable and alcoholic, the behavior gets worse and they don't go into treatment.

Al-anon meetings can help your friend stay strong throughout this process.  

There must be an intervention with all members of the family and he must tell her that unless she goes into treatment, there will be no more money for alcohol and he's filing for divorce.

Meanwhile, during the time he's gone, his daughter should stay with a family member or close friend -- not be home with mom. Hopefully, his wife will get help, but if she doesn't, divorce is the only option. Your friend will probably get custody of his daughter, but all this takes time.

The important thing is that he takes action now. She has to be forced into treatment and the child needs to be safe while he's gone.

Your friend shouldn't look so far into the future. A 16yr old will not simply uproot and move with dad. If he stays in the present and stands up to his wife, she may get the help she needs. If not he'll do what he has to do and the future will fall into place.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best

Bev.
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com