Expert: Druideck - 5/31/2010

Question
I have several questions, but let me first describe my situation.  

I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 19 years and asked for a divorce and have lived separately for 2 years.  We have 3 teenage children for which we have equal time with.  The only reason I agreed to equal parenting schedule was because I was concerned that he might go off the deep end and hurt one of more of us if he didn't get his way.  Although he never verbally threatened our lives, I have certainly witnessed his depth of anger and damage to our home while intoxicated.

We went through a "collaborative" divorce process.  This means we each had an attorney and had joint meetings to negotiate our settlement, without going to court. We stopped meetings about 9 months ago when we were no longer progressing with the finalization of the financial aspect of the settlement.

Three months ago, he went through an inpatient treatment program and is still sober.  He is attending daily AA meetings, has doctor check ups and is seeing a family therapist.

Questions:
1. When I asked for a meeting with him to pursue the divorce, he asked me to consider getting back together.  However, he felt he was not emotionally ready to hear my response until he was sober for at 3 months.  Now, he tells me he needs at least 6 months.  There is no way I am going to change my mind.  I am now in love with another man and I want a divorce, sooner rather than later.  Should I continue to be patient or is this enabling him to not face the divorce?  I just want the divorce at this point.  We can settle finances at a later time.
2. We have a joint credit card which is suing us both.  During the collaborative divorce process, he was given the responsibility to pay it and did not.  How helpful would it be for me to tell the attorney's suing us that the lack of payments have been due to his alcoholism?
3. Our three teenagers have undoubtedly been negatively impacted from his alcoholism, yet they are still spending half their time with him.  He is in a real fog still and apparently will be going through a gamet of emotions and financial problems (potential bankruptcy, a commercial landlord is suing him, etc.) for some time.  What is best for them?  Should they continue to spend as much time with him as they are?  
Thank you very much for any insight you can provide!

Answer
Lauren,

I will give you my take on your questions
but am not qualified to give you
official legal advice in regard to divorce.

The first thing I would say about recovery
is the need for honesty.
When you lived with him as a practising
alcoholic you were all likely used
to covering up for him.
This is no longer necessary.
What is necessary is to be honest and fair
in your dealings with him.
Tell him gently that you are moving on
for your own reasons.
You are not responsible for his reactions.

The credit card companies just want their
money and will not care much if he was
alcoholic or not. They will just want
money not excuses in the long run.
Do what you can or what you need to do in
regard to that.

His recovery will be long and difficult.
It will also be a lifetime process.
As long as he stays in AA or practises
a solid recovery program like the twelve
steps of AA he will be okay in regard
to your kids.
If he drinks and fails to seek help
then he will go downhill.

Remember that he is an adult and
you should treat him as a separate
person. Do not try to protect him
from reality. He will have to
learn to cope in AA.
Try only to be honest and let him
go without stirring up any old
resentments.

He must grow up and learn to cope
with being sober and responsible.
This can take much time.
He must also learn to cope with
letting go of your relationship
with him. He may want his own
way but now is the time for him
to learn that "No" is also the
answer sometimes.
Nobody gets things their own way
all the time.
Alcoholics have to learn to be less
selfish. This is hard for them due
to their lack of emotional growth.
Be gentle if possible but
practise honesty in your dealings
with him. There is no reason to hide
things or to lie in recovery.
It is a program of honesty as he will
come to learn.

I wish you freedom from your problems
and hope your new life is a happy one.

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