Expert: Druideck - 5/11/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi,
I've been dating my boyfriend for 7months, he's 25, in school and has a job.  When we first started dating he was drinking a lot, and at first i didnt think anything of it because we were both going out a lot.  My concenr came when he would drink a handle of vodka or whatever he had bought and be drunk by noon - this only happened on the weekends. I then found bottles hidden in his dresser drawer when I was going to get a shirt to wear.  I confronted him and he ended up telling me that when he was in college he started drinkin a lot his first semeseter and it caused problems with school, he got his grades back up but his parents still had him move back home, when he moved back home he got injured which cause him to not be able to play sports and he started haning out with a few people that drank a lot and did drugs.  He slowly fell behind in school and he said he was depresed becuase of his knee injury and he started to drink all the time like a handle a day.  One day he broke down to his dad and said he needed help.  He went to rehab.  After he was out of rehab he started working and rarely drank, maybe had a beer or 2 every once in a while on the weekend.  He moved back home (rehab was in another state) because he missed his family, when he came back home he stopped hanging out with the friends that he drank with in the past.  When I met him one of the "friends" he drank with all the time had just moved back to where we live from across the country and he started drinking a lot with him.  

I got really upset one day and we had a long talk.  He said he didnt want to ever be in that place he was before rehab and he started to see this "friend" less.  He does not see this "friend" anymore and they do not talk (I found out through facebook that the kid recently moved away).  Once my boyfriend stopped being aroud this friend he stopped drinking like he was but went to a strict regimen of working out all of the time, working, going to class and we would go out with friends but he would either not drink or have 1 beer.  this went on for about 2 months.  Just recently he's become more layed back (meaning not working out 24/7 and taking time to do other things such as he started a garden and is doing well at his job so is spending more time with that and more time with me) BUT on some weekends he gets very drunk.  This occurs when we are with friends and everyone is drinking but by the end of the night he is really drunk.  I get annoyed because he is annoying to me when he is like this.  He tells me how much he loves me, hangs out me and is very affectionate which is nice but i like sober affectionate him not the drunk one because well its an annoying affection.  

I know this is long i'm sorry. So the point is now he drinks on the weekends when other people are drinking but sometimes he takes it to far and drinks way to much.  During the week he works, goes to school and does not drink (maybe a drink if we go out to dinner but that ends up being one drink once during the week. With his job he has appointments sometimes on the weekend (he does sales) and he never missed them and never drinks before an appointment and if he has to be up early he wont go out drinking that friday or sat. before.  He is very sweet to me and we get along great and I see us together in the future.

I am scared because I ran alchol groups in my internship when i was in grad school and I dont know if because I am in the relationship I am enabling him and not seeing what might be clear to an outsider or if I am just concerned because i know how bad it can be if he was an alcholoic.  Or if he wasn't an annoying drunk that I wouldn't see it as a problem.  

Thank you, I hope this all made snese.

ANSWER: Nicole,

your boyfriend is showing some warning signs
of a developing dependence on alcohol.
Hiding liquor is one and the occasional
loss of control over how much he drinks
is another.

Bear in mind it takes men up to about
fifteen years to reach the point
of no control and no return
without a strict recovery program.

His and your denial in seeing a problem
with his drinking patterns clearly
is a part of the developing addiction.

Another sign of a problem here is the
fact that you are bothered by his
behaviour. Alcoholics always have
a "foil" to give them lectures
and reassure them that they
should "straighten up"

Alcoholism is an illness with definite
downward progressive traits.
The person spirals down in his
mental, physical, emotional and
spiritual life.
This becomes more apparent over time.

Talking to him will not stop this
progression. Making deals or threats
will not stop it either.
If you find he continues to get drunk no matter
what talks you have together then his
problem will be more apparent.

Once addicted to alcohol a person
will not be able to keep his
promises for long.
He will again drink too much and
his denial will grow stronger.

You can watch for these denials
to prove to yourself there is
a problem.

He must however be the one that gets
help. He may need to go to rehab, counselling,
and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings to stay
sober. This is hard to accept but
is the path to a happy, sober life.

Good luck!








































---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First, I want to thank you.  Second, I want to tell you that my denial broke last night.  I found an empty bottle of tequila that was full yesterday in his room.  He lied to my face when I asked about it, told me it leaked out of the bottle.  I didn't want there to be a problem because that meant I have to leave because I know if he doesn't get help for himself then he won't get better, I can't make him.  Your reply coming today helped because last night I cried and have not stopped yet.  He said he would go to AA when he saw me brake down last night but he says he is doing it to not lose me.  And just as you said, if he isn't doing it for him that it wont last.  Now i just need to find the strenght to walk away because what you said is true I am enabling him to continue on this path and in the end that will do nothing but hurt him. Thank you again.

Answer
Nicole,

It is good to be aware of
how minimizing and denial set
in when someone has a drinking problem.

I want to warn you against taking
on the responsibility for the problem.
You can not cause an illness like
alcoholism. I say this because
I do not want you to slide into
a guilt trip over any of this.

This is a problem that your boyfriend
has developed over time.
If he is willing to get help
that is a good thing.
He has to develop a desire to
stop drinking no matter what
you decide to do. This will be up
to him. If you decide to stay
with him you will have to
accept things as they are.
He may eventually seek help
when things grow worse as
they always do in addictive
disorders.
I hope he will start to see
how badly drinking is going
to affect his life and relationships.

Always take care of your own emotional
well-being in whatever way you can.
Life can be tough sometimes.

Luck to you both!