Expert: Druideck - 5/15/2010

Question
I'm 27, my boyfriend is 28. We have been together for just over a year. I knew of him before as we met 10 yrs ago as friends but lost touch. I fell pretty quickly for him despite the fact I became quickly alarmed of his drinking habits.  He drinks until he passes out, falls asleep, is arrested or taken to hospital.  He then gets up and 'finishes off what he has left' in the morning and continue to drinks, he can do this from 4-7 days and then he stops momentarily and then starts maybe a few days later.  When he doesn't drink he is the nicest most charming guy you can meet who everyone adores.  When he does drink he turns into an evil nasty idiot who leaves me vicious voice message/texts accusing me of cheating & calling me all the names under the sun. I finally had enough after five months when the sh*t hit the fan and we had an explosive argument and he hit me and put his hands around my throat. I told him it was me or drink and he actually quit drink for five months. In that five month we had a great relationship and I was really content.  Then he relapsed of Jan this yr and since then it's been a slippery slope, the evil boyfriend coming back with the constant barrage of abusive voice messages, screaming down the phone at me saying he hates me and all the names under the sun, accusing me of cheating and threatening me and all my friends.
I finally snapped a month ago and ended it.  He went completely downhill for two weeks, being constantly drunk, he got run over by a car drunk and arrested, woke up in the back of an ambulance, even smoked heroin and made some low life friends like he always does when he drinks who are never going anywhere with their lives.
In between all this I had planned to move to Manchester before I mer him because I have a degree in Drama and I really want to try and 'make it' and Manc is a good place to go to in the U.K, we spoke about us both moving up there but with all this happening it set me back.  I spoke to my friend about it two months ago and said I was planning on moving to Manc but not just yet and he said I've heard you say that for two yrs, what are you waiting for?  And I realised I was waiting for my boyfriend to 'get his act into gear'...so this was at the back of my mind throughout all this latest abusive charade.  When I ended it I then promised myself and decided I would move to Manc this July/Aug.  I've been house hunting and planning where to live and he knows that I'm moving up there.
Anyway when I ended it I felt so strong but then I ended up going back one night after I'd been out with friends and fooled myself into thinking it was fine for 'one last night', only now this has resulted in me going to his house for sex every weekend the past month. Ironically, and annoyingly, he now has been offered a full time landscape gardening job (he wasn't working before, and hasn't been for 10month), which he has been knuckling down doing & abstained from alcohol the last two week since this job, they also told him if you drink, you're out as they know his predicament. He ALSO begged his probation officer when I split up with him to be referred to counselling (again, this is something I BEGGED of him to sort out the past yr but he never did), he has now been to two sessions, and he says it is working and he feels good getting it all out.
It seems he is totally turning the corner with this attitude, this new job & counselling and with me going over and seeing him I feel like I'm falling back into the good times we spent together when he was sober, the five month we spent together when he didn't drink.  I don't want these to quosh my plans of moving cities because I owe it to myself to furfil my dreams as I have been held back too long (my ex before that was a heroin addict and I spent 6 yrs of my life trying to get him off it, was only 17 when I met him), I don't want my future to determine on an addict's attitude from day to day but I do love him and I'm really confused what the right thing is to do? I said to my friend I was moving to Manc for 6 months and if my bf can sort himself out (I know I keep calling him my boyfriend, don't want to say ex), then there could be a future for us but my friend said to me he IS sorting himself out so what proof do I need? Is is a time scale? I guess in a way it is, I want to see if he can be consistent with his turn around and that it's not a charade to try and win me back. I know going over and sleeping with him and acting like we are still together is not productive but it's easier said that done isn't it.
I understand I may have codependency issues with the last two boyfriends being addicts but I haven't deliberately sought the 'down and outs out' it just simply happened.  Unfortunately nice boys just don't cut it for me so I'm the architect of my own downfall.
Your input would be extremely appreciated.
Thank you
Sarah

Answer
Hello Sarah,

where to begin with you is really a problem for
me as I know you have been lectured by others
about how you are in a dead end revolving door
relationship. You say you have ended this
relationship after reaching your breaking point
but in every way possible you continue
to make sure he knows what you are doing
and you know what he is doing. This is not
a break up, it is just a continuance of
your addictive behaviour toward him.

Often when a person is addicted to alcohol
or other drugs they attract another person
with addictive traits.
Your addiction is his unpredictable
behaviour that keeps you off balance emotionally
and provides some excitment and challenge to you
to solve.

Possibly you had some other experience in your
life where you encountered a chaotic person.
This may have been a parent or other.

You try to repeat the past so you can
finally win over it. This means you
take a "bad" boy and love him so much
he straightens out and becomes the
man you think you want.

However, you don't really like the kind
of guy he will become if he sobers up
and starts being responsible.
You like the guy that lets you feel
needed and allows you to feel hope
for the future when you both will be
happy and he will be so grateful for
all you have done for him.

Let me say this is a great scenario but
not reality. He has a lifetime alcohol
problem. This means he will need counselling,
treatment and daily Alcoholics Anonymous
meeting for a few years at least.
At this point he will be a changed man,
but not the man you know.
He would be sane, responsible, calm
and would want no part of the drama you
now share.

He may get sober and he may recover from
his behaviour but he will never
be the exciting "bad" boy after this
happens. He would be a normal man
with no particularly exciting behaviours,
just a well-balanced mature person.

If you truly want out of your own need to
attract confused men that are very ill
of mind, body and spirit and your need
to change them I suggest getting
hold of any of Robin Norwood's books
on relationship addiction.

You can find them at Amazon.com or eBay.com
They deal with this attraction to troubled men.

Take care, good luck!