Expert: Beverley Glazer - 5/21/2010

Question
I received a call from my sister-in-law this week and she's "had it" with my brother's drinking. I guess she wanted my advice (or simply someone to talk to) - she definitely spoke of leaving him.  He drinks in secret and she is finding bottles.  He evidently blames her for his drinking though I recollect his having gotten into trouble with it before they met.

I had problems with alcohol in my early 20s (most certainly alcoholic), recognized it (very fast decline; was still not easy to quit) and got help - was in AA for about 15 years.  Since then (am now 45) I tried drinking one other period of time (lasted about a year and was about 5 years ago) and rapidly became convinced I am not able to drink and was able to quit. I no longer attend AA and do not have cravings. So I have some experience with alcohol, mental obsession and physical craving and the need for relief.  Nobody in my family, to my knowledge, has ever sought help from Al Anon or counseling.  Getting help is/was, I think, perceived as something that'd be destructive to the family somehow, rather than helpful.  

Although I live 2000 miles from him and the rest of my family, I have known my brother has continued to have problems too but have not intervened. I have openly discussed my problems in front of family members, including him. Sometimes one or another of them will mention his problem to me.  He has his own business and knows all the local police, so it's not likely he'll get into trouble in those areas - but not impossible.

I recommended to my sister-in-law that she get help from somebody who has had similar experiences and referred her to Al Anon.  She does not like the local group. She dismissed any suggestions I had.  

Should I intervene in some way?  I have read about family members each independently speaking to the person.  The most tragic thing, to me, is the impact on their two young boys.  My sister-in-law came from a broken home.  When I speak to her of deeper matters I'm baffled at her perspectives and lack of willingness or ability to see herself but I don't blame her for wanting to walk away -- it's just I doubt she's really any help.

I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts. I don't know what to do.

Answer
Hi Rebecca,

From the sound of it, it seems your sister-in-law has 'had it' with him, but she may just be venting her anger and frustration, because you've been there and would understand.

By blaming his wife for his drinking, your brother is taking no responsibility. This keeps him in denial and prevents him from getting the help he needs.

You pointed your sister-in-law in the right direction. Al-Anon would be beneficial for her, and also provide a support system, but she chooses not to go. Groups are not for everyone, but you can also suggest that she gets private counseling to help her deal with his addiction.

If she wants to continue in the marriage, couple counseling can be beneficial. The counselor will zero in on his drinking and bring the issue to the surface. This can be the first step to breaking denial-- but then again, he has to want to go. Your sister-in-law can pressure him, by saying that he must come with her' for the sake of the family'.

Since your brother has not 'hit bottom' he will interpret your good intentions as interference. He'll not only be upset with you, but he'll take out more anger on his wife.

The only thing you can do at this point is to call your brother and tell him that you're there for him, when he's ready to quit drinking.

Until your brother is free from denial and reaches out to get help, any intervention at this point (other than the fear of losing his family) will fall on 'deaf ears'.


I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Regards,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com