Expert: Beverley Glazer - 6/2/2010

Question
Hi. My husband is an alcoholic, has been since the day I met him. I had never dealt with alcoholism on any level, so I did not fully understand what I was getting into when I married him. Now we have a 10 month old daughter. Since having our child, I've pressed my husband to seek help with his drinking, and he does want to live sober, but he can't seem to stay away from the alcohol. He seems to be able to go about 5 or 6 months without it, then he starts back drinking. This last time it resulted with him attacking me and him going to jail, after I confronted him about watching our daughter while being under the influence. My struggle is that I do not want to raise my daughter this way. Where do I find the strength to walk away from someone I love just because they can't stop drinking. When he's not drunk he's a wonderful husband and father. I was brought up being taught that you do not give up on people you love. If I walk away then I feel like somehow I have failed him, myself and our daughter. I guess my question is how does my husband find the help he needs to stay sober for good, and are there success stories out there of people who are in situations like me. I've looked everywhere to find one success story, and I've not found even one. Should I just walk away now, before my daughter gets old enough to be effected by this.

Answer
Hi Audie,

Your husband can be violent when he's under the influence of alcohol but he doesn't want to do anything about it. When he's not drunk, he can be wonderful, however there are two sides to this man -- and the second side is not only dangerous for you, but it's unhealthy for your daughter.

Tell him that you love him and you'll stand by him, but only if he does something about his drinking. Demand that he goes to AA meetings or gets counseling for the sake of the family.  It's also important not to 'save him'. This is called enabling, and here's more information on that:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

The more you enable an alcoholic, the more you allow the addiction to progress and he'll avoid getting help.

As for yourself, Al-anon would be very helpful. The members, who are all in your situation, will provide information and give you strength if it's necessary to move on.

Your husband can find help if he wants it, however, if you move on, it's for the sake of your sanity and the love for your daughter. You have not failed him. If he doesn't change, he's failed himself.

I hope this information is helpful
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com