Expert: Beverley Glazer - 6/6/2010

Question
Hi Bev, I feel very lost and alone at this point.  My fiance and I have been friends for five years and been together for 2.5.  We have a one year old son.  My partner is an alcoholic and can not stop nor admit that he is an alcoholic.  Over the past year, we have struggled with his drinking.  Three months ago it became such a real issue when I was out shopping for two hours and he drank 7 beers in two hours, whilst looking after our son.  We decided to seek counseling and he decided to go to AA.  That lasted all of five weeks, he lost his direction and I decided that I was not going to push it and trust that he was making progress.  Again, I trusted him and went out for three hours and came home and he had drunk at least a bottle of wine and was drunk, whilst our son was in bed asleep.  
I don't know what to do.  I love him so much, he's the one.  I miss him when he's not here, I just want him to hold me and tell me that it'll all be OK.  We are getting married in August and I don't know what to do.  I was bought up that marriage is forever and that no matter what, you do not give up on your relationships.  We have a beautiful son and we decided to start a family, we are committed and are perfect together in every way, except for his drinking.
I don't want to end our relationship, but I just don't know how I can move forward, again my trust has been violated and now I don't know if I will ever trust him again.  I can't even leave our son with him now.
He has gone to stay at a relatives and tries to communicate with me, but I am so angry and upset that I can't speak with him, because I don't know what to say.  I suggested to him, the morning after the drinking, that I am not going to fix this (as I have previously arranged the counseling and info on AA) it's now up to him to fix.
I have no family where we live and he has asked me not to speak to my sister, who I am extremely close to.
I love him, I love our family, but it sickens me to think that I can not trust him and without trust there is no love.
Where do I go?
Thank you
Nicole

Answer
Hi Nicole,

Your fiance is an alcoholic and as an active drinker, you can not trust him with your son. No matter what he says, unless he gets help and has kept sobriety for quite awhile, you have to be cautious.

Alcoholics usually get into codependent relationships and here's some information on this:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html

You don't have to end your relationship, because you love this man and he's also the father of your son, however, getting married in August may be premature. If he doesn't get help now, it will be more difficult once you're married. Tell him this. Hopefully it will motivate him to fix this problem. Unfortunately, you can't help him. He's the only one who has to realize how alcohol is ruining his life. Counseling may not be enough. It may be necessary for him to go into rehab first, but right now it seems he's still in denial.

Don't allow your fiance to control who you speak to. You need support and if you're close to your sister, keep your relationship with her. If he's embarrassed that you'll talk about him, this can be another wake-up call to get help -- and tell him this.

It would also be helpful to go to Al-anon meetings. Everyone there is in the same situation and you'll not only get support, but you'll also get information and strength to stand firm with him at this difficult time.

I hope this information is helpful
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com