Expert: Clyde - 6/25/2010

Question
I began dating my fiancee about nine months ago. I did not know that he was an alcoholic and drug addict when I started dating him. I recently learned this and he owned up to his problems. He stayed in a sober living home and went to alcoholics anonymous. He did really well and was sober for about two months. now he is out of the home and has stopped going to AA meetings. He has had sips of beer on several occasions, and I am worried that he will start drinking again. What do I do?

Answer
Emily,
   Thank you for your questions and for the brief explanation of his behavior.  It all boils down to one thing - can he be honest?  That is the heart of the program known as the 12 steps.  Here is what he heard in all those meetings because it is read at almost all meetings of AA.  If he can not buy into this then he will probably never change.  Alcohol and drugs rob one of their own rational mind.  You might also get a copy of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, and read it to understand more about the disease.

   Hope this has helps.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

How It Works
Chapter 5, Page 58-60 of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those
who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves
to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally
incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They
are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally
incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous
honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer
from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they
have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened,
and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are
willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way.
But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be
fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our
old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it
is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May
you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His
protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had
become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as
we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Reprinted from the book Alcoholics Anonymous with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.
http://www.aasantacruz.org
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to
do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact
with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will
for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all
our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be
discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect
adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing
to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to
progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal
adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
a. That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
b. That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
c. That God could and would if He were sought.