Expert: Beverley Glazer - 6/30/2010

Question
Hi, just need to know why my 2 year relationship has ended due to drinking taking drugs and not knowing his limits. over the past 2 years my bf has been the best bf a girl could ask from monday to Friday.. cooking, cleaning, shopping, loving and caring. but don't get me wrong on the other hand when he drinks he goes insane it's like Dr jackal and hyde.. one minute he is telling me he loves me the other minute he is calling me names like fat cow, slag etc he brings up things he's got on his chest well just things for example people I've had relationships with before him..my ex bf. he is really insecure. he continues to drink for days on end even when he returns home he will drink more.. if he doesn't get a reaction from me when he is calling me names, banging his head on walls, threatening to hurt himself, smashing my belongings, locking me in the house so i cant leave, tornting me for hours on end, slamming doors, ringing my ex bf phones. on occasions I've managed to leave he has thrown himself infront of my car. he has also attempted to have sex with me when i didn't want it..i feel i need to have sex with him just to get a good nights sleep but the sex will go on for ever and if i strug him off this can then lead to verbal abuse and he'll then tornt me. its got to the point now that when he tornts me for hours i loose it and punch him.. i find myself begging for him to let me leave or telling him to remember how much he loves me and not to hurt me anymore. I'm mentally drained..when he sobers up he is the so sorry but yet he goes out again and comes home dreadful i fear he'll do some serious harm to himself or me.. he is now starting to drive his car drunk and is not going into work, i lived with him since may last year and i have currently moved out due to his drinking but.. whilst he was living with his parents he was the same.. very disrespectful, he got kicked out of the army for taking drugs but as i keep saying his is great when his is sober. please help i need answers.. he is on a waiting list for alcohol management but he feels he doesn't have a problem with drink? this last weekend he bit my back grabbed me and pushed me around whilst constantly putting me down verbally.. is he worth it? is he going to change.. he mentioned how he feels he needs to drunk to help fit in?

Answer
Hi Rebecca,

What has gone on is that alcohol and drugs have taken over your boyfriend's life in the past 2 years. However, it seems that he's in denial and doesn't really want to change his behavior, or he would. He doesn't have to wait to be called for treatment. If he was serious, he could go to meetings every day, get a sponsor and get his life on track.

I'm glad that you moved out, because you were living in a physically and mentally abusive relationship, and this can be dangerous.
It doesn't matter if he's sorry the next day. All abusers are 'sorry' the next day because he doesn't want you to leave. The fact is he did what he did, and sober or drunk, this is unacceptable.

Here's some information that can help you: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/abusive-relationship.html

To answer your questions: I don't think that this guy is seriously interested in sobriety -- even though he's on a waiting list.  However, even if he did get help for alcohol and drugs, he also has serious emotional issues and it would take a considerable amount of time to change. He may also have multiple relapses.

I don't think you should bother waiting for him to change, because it may never happen. It sounds like you've been very patient and given him many chances, but no one deserves to be abused like this. Do yourself a favor and move on,

I hope this information is helpful
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Good luck!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com