Expert: Beverley Glazer - 6/21/2010

Question
I am looking for ways to help pull a friend/co-worker away from the bars and drinking.  I don't know that he would qualify as an alcoholic, but I would really like to do something to change his habits.  When it comes to work or something he knows he needs to do, it is taken care of no problem.  Regardless of what he may do outside of work, he is there 7 days a week and drinking does not cause a problem.  However, it is the fact that he will go out after work Wednesday or Thursday through Sunday and usually gets quite drunk.  He doesn't seem to handle tough situations well and will usually go have a few drinks before dealing with it.  He has made a few comments, both sober and drunk, that point to the fact that he wants to find other things to do.  I'm not looking to stop him from drinking entirely, but I would really like to be the person to help give him those "other things to do."  How do I approach this with him - what types of things do I say?  I don't want him to get offended as I really value his friendship and want to be there for him, but I'm worried about insulting him.  Should I talk to our other friends at work or his girlfriend perhaps?  In addition, I have only really become close to him over the past few months and may be somewhat of an enabler because I will go drink with him - but this was mainly in an attempt to become a better friend.  I have helped him in other ways though, so it's not as though drinking is all I've done with him.

Answer
Hi Jim,

Right now your friend is functioning, however alcohol takes up a large portion of his life. If he doesn't put his drinking in check, he will be developing a higher tolerance causing serious physical problems etc. but you're right to be cautious about discussing this sensitive issue with him.

The life that he knows is based on drinking, so although he knows it's not healthy, he's simply not going to give it up because others tell him to.

Confrontation will only make him angry.  He believes that although he drinks too much, he's functional at work -- and in his mind, alcoholics are dysfunctional. This thinking keeps him in denial and prevents him from getting help or cutting back.

Since he has commented that he wants to find 'other things to do' you can print this self-test and give it to him:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

This test is strictly to open his eyes to the problem and it  can also break his denial. Tell him it came from the internet, and since he told you that he'd like to do other things, you can tell him that you thought he may be interested in it. Once you give him the test say no more.  He has to take the lead.

There are many things he can do after work, but he would be changing his behavior and he has mixed feelings about that. Should he decide on doing nothing about his drinking, his girlfriend would be the first one to apply pressure. The other friends can come later.

Your friend is very lucky to have you in his life.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Good luck!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com