Expert: Druideck - 6/9/2010

Question
First off I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my question.

My wife and I have been married for 19 years. Up until about around 6 years ago she drank only socially. Since then she has begun drinking wine in the evenings to "unwind". She has progressively drank more each day and started drinking more frequently during the week. Currently she probably drinks 6-7 days per week (unless I pressure her to back off then she will very temporarily slow down a bit) and probably averages around 6-7 bottles of wine per week. We have had heated discussions about her drinking in the past and she tends to get defensive and accusing me of judging her. Our last argument ended with her asserting that I need to trust that she is taking care of the problem and that she realizes that she needs to cut back. Since then she has started hiding some of her drinking by keeping the open bottle in the fridge in the garage and drinking during the afternoon while I am working. As I work from home I am able to regularly check the level of the wine to see exactly what she is drinking. I have also resorted to tracking the amount she drinks each day. I hate that I have felt the need to do this but I feel that I can't bring it up to her without getting a very negative response.

On a positive note the drinking does not seem to be yet affecting her daily life. She is very busy as a stay-at-home mom, volunteers regularly at our kids schools, keeps a very neat home and does get everything done that she wants to. She exercises alot and, with the exception of a short temper at times, is coping well with what I figure must be regular hangovers.

My concerns are obviously that I don't know where the drinking will be in 1, 2, or 5 years from now. I also do not look forward to living with a drinker for the next 40 years. I am also concerned about the long-term health affects.

What if anything can I do about this situation? Should I be confronting her? Is this even a serious issue given that she copes with life just fine?

Thanks again for your time.

Sam

Answer
Sam.

In my experience I would say your
wife has an alcohol dependency.
The amount is excessive for social drinking
but there are other signs such as becoming very
defensive of her desire to drink.
This means she is protecting herself
from anyone that threatens her with
the possibility of giving up alcohol.

Also, hiding drinks is a classic alcoholic
trait. This is a documented behaviour
of problem drinking.
Rather than deal with quitting she is
trying to look "normal" to people on the
outside that want her to change.

Another thing that points to her problem
is your developing obscession with
her drinking behaviours.

Being the spouse of a drinker causes
a person to be constantly on the lookout
for how much they drink, when and where they
drink and trying to develop ways of
manipulating or pressuring the drinker
into quitting or cutting down on the drinks.
Also the spouse becomes the "nag" that is
always spoiling the drinkers enjoyable choices.

Sometimes the demanding spouse will be an excuse to drink
more to deal with the perceived stress.

Alcoholism is a family illness and affects those
living around the drinker too.
Often the behaviours we think are normal concern
can really be part of the illness.
That is why they have "Alanon" meetings.
They help spouses to deal with letting go and
realizing that being addicted to alcohol is
an illness that cannot be controlled.
The alcoholic is in serious denial of the
problem until things get very bad.
They may experience marriage problems,
financial problems, health problems
and emotional problems.
Sometimes even those are not enough
to make them seek help.
A counsellor can help you with
learning about intervention if
you have some other close family
or friends that are aware of your
wife's excessive drinking.
She may or may not respond to getting help.

Things not to do are confronting her
casually and nagging.
Both of these behaviours are ineffective.
The reason is because alone you have
little chance of breaking her strong denial
and defense system.
Also complaining, nagging and arguing
are just stressful and justify her drinking
to her.

This a complex illness, so get lots of info
and read this excerpt from AA's big book
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

She may hide it well due to her lifestyle but
I can clearly see the danger signs for
her being addicted. She will need help
when she is ready as will power is not
enough in these situations.
Remember that when you ask her to quit,
she cannot until she gets counselling and
eventually treatment and AA meetings.

She could definitely go for many years like this
but not without someone covering up for her.
Make sure you are not that person.
Try not to hide the reality from friends
and family, this problem needs to be exposed to heal.
Try Alanon and take care of yourself.

Good luck!