Expert: Beverley Glazer - 7/1/2010

Question
My name is Jen, and ineed help!  My brother suffersfrom alcoholism, he is 27 years old.  Our mother is also an acoholic and we were put into foster care at 2 and 5 years old.  I was adopted a few years later, and he remained a ward of the state till he was 18.  He's been in and out ofjail, and recently left a court orderd rehab, where he was placed for 7months.  For 5 months following, he maintaned a good job, attended AA religously, and stayed away from alcohol.  2 months ago he started drinking again, quit AA and his job, for no obvious reason.  I, although younger, have never been in trouble and never drink- I allowed him to live with me,because he was seemingly rebuilding his life.  Now, I am worried and stressed and angry all the time due to his alcohol abuse.  He doesn't have anyone but me, no job, no friends, no liscence.  I wantto kick him out, but I feel guilty and heartbroken everytime i think about it. I just don't know what to do with him. He's my family. But, I know i have to watch out for myself. I just want him to get his will back. How can I help him? I don't want to abandon him. I wanted an outside perspective. I don't want to talk to my friends about it, because I'm ashamed of him, and don't want others judging him.  Thankyou.

Answer
Hi Jen,

This is extremely hard for you, because not only is your brother a family member, but you know the difficult life that he's had and you empathize with him.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do for him, unless he chooses not to drink and streighten out his life. Therefore, you mustn't enable him in any way

Here's some information that can help you:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

You were adopted by a family and shared their values and stability, however, as a ward of the state, your brother's has had a very difficult life and not only does he have alcohol to deal with, but he also has many emotional issues that must be addressed. However, you are not responsible for what he's gone through. As he is an alcoholic, the more you feel guilty and sorry for him, the more he'll take advantage of your kindness and keep on drinking.

For his sake as well as your own. You must tell him that you love and care about his welfare, however, if he doesn't get help for drinking, as well as get a job, he has to move out. Believe it or not, this can help him. It may be the wake-up call that he needs to get his life on track -- and if not now, perhaps at a later date.

Tell him that you're not abandoning him, but you can't stand what he's doing to himself and whenever he's ready to change, you'll welcome him back in your life. He may be angry or try to guilt you to keep him, but you have to stay strong.

It may also be helpful for you to go to Al-anon meetings. You'll get an understanding of alcoholism and relieve the guilt that you have for doing what is necessary for both of you.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Good Luck!!

Bev
http://untwist-your-thinking.com