Expert: Druideck - 7/20/2010

Question
First, thank you for taking the time to read my question. My sister, brother and I are all very concerned about our mother, and we are not sure how to approach the situation. Since we have been little, our mom has spent each night consuming screwdrivers. I'm not sure how much she did it when we were young, but I know that her use has increased over the years. Now that we have moved out, I know she consumes several each night. She also has depression, and her drinking really affects her moods. We have an unspoken rule that we don't call the house after 7 PM because mom will be drunk and we don't know which mom we will get. Anyway, we know we need to talk to her, but because of her depression and her long history of alcohol dependence, we are really afraid. We know that she will take it as us telling her that there is something wrong with her, that we think she's a bad mom or something. She's thought about suicide before, and I really don't want to send her there. We would really appreciate any advice you could give us as to how to approach this delicate subject. Thank you very much.

Answer
Erin,

When approaching a person you suspect is addicted
to alcohol it is important not to talk down to them.
There defences will come up and prevent any progress.

It may be possible to approach her from the
angle of her depression. Make it clear that
the feeling and thoughts you have are
your own. Use "I" instead of "you"
in your statements.
Example: "I am worried about you"
"I feel afraid when I see how depressed you are"
Not this: "You have a problem and need help"
Always use "I" when possible to own your
thoughts and feelings.

If she is willing there are some assessments
online to indicate problem drinking
or depression. Do a search for alcohol
assessment or tests.

Seeing a counsellor about depression could
lead to making her aware of the drinking.

If need be you may have to talk to
an alcohol counsellor about doing an intervention.
It may be uncomfortable but may save her life.

Also get help at Alanon for yourselves so
you don't enable her or be over-controlling.

Let me know if you have more questions about
alcoholism and recovery issues.

Take care!