Expert: Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist - 7/20/2010

Question
My wife has been sober for 3 years. It has been better than the drinking years but it has not been easy. When she started her sobriety, we no longer kept any alcohol in the house. I am a very moderate drinker but I no longer indulged around her.  However, it bothered her that on a camping trip with my son, I might have a beer with my friends, or at a wedding reception with my kids and she was not present, I had a glass of wine. So I agreed that if my children were present I would not drink at all.  However, she wanted to take it further.  Last year, she told me that if I really loved her and we were truly one flesh and I wanted to support her, I would agree to never drink again.  I had a problem with this because I am not alcoholic and felt that her co-dependent controlling was not right.  It was not the alcohol that mattered so much as her trying to impose her loss of freedom on me.  She got highly emotional, made various threats, and even threw a ring she had bought for our 20th anniversary at my head. Under that kind of duress, I agreed to not have the occasional  drink with friends.  But, this has bothered me since I agreed a year ago. A few weeks ago, she bought beer and wine for a party.  I didn't partake (and she didn't either) but she was keeping account of who drank and how much.  A few days after the party, after a hot afternoon of working outside, I came in (no one was home) and had one of the leftover beers.  Well, later when she took her daily count, she became infuriated.  I told her I was sorry but that I could not keep her unreasonable demand.  When I wasn't home, she threw away all the left over beer and wine.  That didn't bother me in the least because I was against serving alcohol at our party to begin with.  Since we only keep a little wine on hand for cooking, I didn't really want the beer and wine in the house anyway.  Since then she has been really putting a lot of guilt on me and saying that I don't truly love her and so on.  Am I wrong for not wanting to agree to her demands?

Answer
HI Andy,

I get the impression that she has not properly treated the underlying causes of her addiction. The point is that a true recovered alcoholic does not drink alcohol under any circumstances. My wife and friends know I don't drink alcohol at all, and are not bothered by it, nor am I. My wife and friends may drink alcohol but I don't and everybody is happy. I don't like alcohol at all and that's it. I am proud of who I am and I know I am different from everybody else. This is all explained in the self-help psychotherapy course below. We are all different and have an inalienable right to be different and unique.

She seem to live under a misconception that a husband and wife should be the same. I have a suspicion that this may have something to do with her fragile self-image. My treatment program for alcoholism is outlined here.

  
Why Alcoholics Drink? at
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/WAD.html

Alcoholism (Addiction) is a Treatable Disease at:
http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/alcoholism_treatable.pdf

Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/drug_addictions_nutritional_disorder.htm...

The first step in treatment is going on a hypoglycemic diet. If problems persist, it is best to consult a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychotherapist.

This then followed up with a course of self-help psychotherapy:

Summary of Self-help Pyschotherapy at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/self-help_personal_growth.html#PSYCHOTHE...

in its entirety from beginning to end. It includes a program showing you how to overcome a negative self-image, and assertiveness training program, communication course and values clarification course. Most people can learn these skills by reading these articles over and over again. This program is also available in my book "Getting off the Hook", starting at page 36,  which is freely available on the internet at Google Book Search. Use our "Search our Web Site" for more information on topics entered in the search engine.

I also suggest you read my book Getting off the Hook freely on the internet.
_______________________________________________
Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist.
Hon. Editor of
The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.
www.hypoglycemia.asn.au
Author of "Getting off the Hook"
Freely available at Google Book Search
Skype: jurplesman