Expert: Clyde - 7/24/2010

Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and he has always drank. We were apart for a short period of time, and during that time he drank... A LOT!! There would be mornings he would wake up and still be drunk and start drinking again. We can go out and he can drink SO much more than other people and still not be drunk. I think he has a problem. I have researched this A LOT over the last few days, and it seems likely. When I mention it to him he always says that he is fine and he doesn't have a problem. Even his friends that he has hanged out with for 6 years or longer have slowed their drinking down and he doesn't understand why. I know that I can't MAKE him admit to having a problem, and I also know that there is nothing I can do to help him other than support him. My question is, am I just suppose to act like I don't care and that it doesn't bother me? I have already stopped nagging him about how much he drinks. He will occasionally ask me if I think he has a problem and I always answer with "Me deciding if you have a problem doesn't help you any, you have to decide for yourself". How should I act?

Even tonight I was talking to him and he had drank and drove home. He got mad at me and starting calling me out on my bad habits, and saying pretty much anything to try to turn it around on me and make it look like he had something reasonable to be mad at me about. Also, he lies to me about how much alcohol he consumes, whether or not he is drunk, and if he is even drinking at all.

I have already given him an ultimatum: Me or the alcohol. I just can't bring myself to leave him. He has been with me through all my problems, my pill addiction, my mom's death, and other things. It would be very mean of me to just be done with him.

I don't want to nag at him about it. I feel that will only make it worse. I have recently started acting like it doesn't bother me. Is that the right thing to do, or should I try something different?

Also, he is NOT abusive physically or emotionally.

Answer
Sue,
   Thank you for your questions.  Your story includes pill addiction. I am so glad to hear that you have surmounted that addiction.  Good for you.  But it should give you insight into what he is dealing with - an addiction to alcohol!.  Your feelings during your addictive behaviour are the same he has right now. The difference is you faced what ever it was in your life that had caused you to get caught in addictive behavior - he has not.  He may never.
   
   And there is the rub.  Would you want to stay with you if you had not dealt with your addiction?  Would you want him to have given up his life if you had not done so?  That is a basic question you will need to answer.

   Alcohol is an insidious substance which robs countess millions of people of their lives and many will live and die never having known what real life is all about.  That is so sad to have to say.

   All the good things you can say about this fellow will not change the fact that he is probably an alcoholic and you are doomed to always have to feel the way that you do around his drinking.  If you choose to do that, then put away your judgment of him and let him live his life the way he chooses.

   If not, then seriously consider the fact that you have told him it is the alcohol or you and make the tough decision to leave.

    I hope this has been helpful and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde