Expert: Clyde - 7/16/2010

Question
My husband, of 25 years, has in the last 18 months become a weekend binge drinker.  If he isn't passed out he is drinking. He keeps promising that each time is the last time.  Sometimes we even have 6-8 weeks of no drinking, or at least I think he's not. When the binging reappears of course yet another promise is broken because to me it looks as if he has CHOSEN to follow through with a plan, go to the store, buy the liquor, hide the bottles, then hide when he is doing the drinking.  I usually can tell when he has been drinking but of course I'm sure he fools me sometimes.  His reason for hiding it all is to save himself from me becoming hysterical, which is most time true, at the thoughts of another drunk weekend.  (He is very verbally and emotionally abusive to me when he is drinking.)  Okay so for my question, I have found the research on acting as if nothing has happened when he starts his drinking again, sort of ignore it and go about business as regular, but if he thinks he is fooling me does he really feel spared my disappointment?  If he thinks he's pulled one on me does that not just make him more confident in his "secret"?

Answer
Kerry,
   Thank you for the question and I am sorry that he can't seem to figure out he is addicted to alcohol.  Some people may think it is smart to play like they don't know someone is drinking to keep the drinker guessing and move them to guilt and remorse but I suggest this:  Why take on his behavior and worry and think about it?  My suggestion is to let him know what you know when you know it in a matter of fact way.  Simply confront once and then be done with that episode. It keeps it out of your head since you have placed the responsibility for his drinking squarely on his shoulders.  No scolding or harsh words- just "I know you are drinking and I am disappointed."  Then go about your life and enjoy.  If his drinking affects you or others you do not have to accept it (i.e. driving the kids around while intoxicated).  Let him know you will not tolerate that sort of behavior and make other arrangements so others are not affected.
   I hope this may have helped and write again if I can be of any further help.
Grace and Peace,
Clyde