Expert: Druideck - 7/14/2010

Question
Hi,
I am 30 years old living abroad from my parents but we have always been a close family. My mothers drinking has been steadily increasing over the past 10/20 years and is something we have been continuously making digs about but never addressing the issue head on. Over the past year we have have begun to confront her after an escalation of incidents one being landing her self in hospital with Atrial Fibrillation (which her drinking is the likely cause of), another finding that she is now drinking out of the bottle in the garden shed and driving under the influence. On confrontation she behaves in a expected way of denial, anger, emotional upset and lying. I now see my perfect family in a completely different light and I feel such anger towards my mother. She has pushed us all away and is making my father miserable as well as ruining his reputation as a trusted local Doctor.
I have recently discussed the situation with her friends and have found that they have been trying to do damage limitation for years and that she has disgraced her self widely in the community. I know all the literature advises me to try and accept the fact that I cannot control her behavior and I cannot cure her but I am so unbelievably cross that she cannot see how unacceptable her behavior is.
Following my mini intervention she has agreed to go for counseling with a view to going for inpatient treatment but I do not trust that she is ready. I investigated the qualifications of the counselor see intends to see but they are not an addiction specialist and I think this is in itself a sign that she can not recognize that she is an addict.
I guess my question is are we getting somewhere with her by her agreement to see someone and how hard do I push if she fails to attend ? We are a medical family which means that she uses that against us saying that we are treating her as a patient and lecturing her but what else can we do ? I am the eldest of my siblings and feel an overwhelming responsibility to fix this.

Answer
Ann,

being the oldest sibling often makes one feel
super-responsible for others.
You seem to understand the basic powerlessness
involved in working with your mother's
problem.

It is a good development to have her
speak to a counselor. Some counselors
have more experience with addictions
and most have some experience since the
problem is so prevalent these days.

Another bit of info that may help
you with your anger is that
alcoholism is an illness that
many people have recovered from.
Thinking of it as an illness helps
to understand that it needs treatment
and also recovery programs or methods to be relieved.

The behaviours are the same for all
practising alcoholics.
They lie, deny, are blocked by pride,
and project their illness onto the people
trying to help.

Sometimes the pressure can put a crack
in their denial, sometimes nothing works.
If your mother could just quit then it
would not be an addiction.
Addictions can not be fixed or cured by
self-will, even very strong self-will.
She will need at least regular Alcoholics
Anonymous meetings to recover long term.
This is necessarily a large blow to one's pride.

When talking to other alcoholics there
is a familiarity or bond that
happens because they really understand
how you feel inside and what the compulsion
feels like. My best suggestion would
be to contact AA and see if some AA ladies
would have a casual visit with your mom
when the time seems right.
Many professional and very intelligent people
are recovering alcoholics.
The founders were a stock broker and a doctor.

Your mother is very ill and the illness blocks
her ability to see what is happening.
This is how alcohol guarantees that you keep
drinking.

It is a deadly problem and you may have to
gently try getting her to treatment or
AA meetings. It will require her cooperation
at some point too.

Try what you can but remember that
some things are not in human control.
You may have to get help for yourself
from Alanon and learn to detach your
emotions from the sickness she has.

When you feel anger remember she is ill
and anger can not heal her.
You will feel some anger as you work through
the grief you are feeling.
Acceptance is sometimes at the end of this process.

Take care.