Expert: Druideck - 7/18/2010

Question
How to cope with the guilt of knowing I have to leave my husband for the sake of self preservation

Answer
Ginny,

Hi, I know it is hard to leave a person
even though it is sometimes necessary
for the good of you both.

Often a person will not make the changes
they need until they are alone with
their illness. This is how addictive illnesses
operate.

You may feel guilt which is directing your
anger inward. This illness or addiction is
not your fault. You did not cause it and
you did not cause him to behave as he does.

Part of releasing guilt is realizing that
whenever things change in our lives we
go through a process to let go.
This is called grief and involves denial,
anger, bargaining, depression and finally
acceptance.
We have to work through each of these feelings
as a normal response to letting go or
accepting changes.
This is a normal human response.

You may be doing your husband more good than
you realize. He may now be motivated to change
which may save his life.

You have not failed, you are doing what
needs to be done and it is normal to have
regrets. What is not normal is to carry
a never ending morbid guilt for what
could have been. If you want to blame
anything then blame the illness which
has put you in this position.

You can not be responsible for him,
that is his job. It is up to him
to recover and you must care for yourself.

Sometimes if possible you can leave a person
and still let them know that you wish them
well. What we cannot do is change people,
but we have a right to protect our own sanity
and health whatever the cost.

Feel regret but don't feel over-responsible
for him. He must learn to take care
of himself the way you need to do that for
yourself. Guilt will not help anyone or
change anyone. Guilt is only demanding more
from yourself than is humanly possible.
It is self-destructive designed to
relieve the anger you have turned inward.
No need to be angry, this illness and the
results are not your fault. It is an addictive
illness and you have to get away if that
is what it takes.
Decide it is your right and your choice to leave.
Do it because you want to, not out of guilt.
Let go and let him find his own path in life as
you must also do for yourself.

Take care.