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Addiction to Alcohol/relationship in recovery

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Expert: - 7/19/2010


Question
I would like to know how I can achieve some balance in my life.I have been in a relationship for the past 3yrs.I have been sober 5.I met this guy in recovery,truth is we both had and have alot of issues.He is currently in treatment for the second time since we have been together,which I think is great.We can't see each other for six months,I'm ok with that now.Anyway I spent the first two months after he was gone chasing my tail.I have been seing a therapist and trying to work through my stuff,which has been very hard,but I want a better life.I would just like some advice on how to cope with what i'm feeling.I worry about how things will be after he gets out and I see some old patterns of the past coming out,attitude and not talking about stuff,like we did when he first went in,and I don't want to interfere with his recovery,then I remember how i was early on and can still be,so I let it go.I really care for this man and just need some input about what to expect,lately he just seems to be ill at me or point out things that I do wrong.Thank You

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC
Hi Christina,

As you know from to continue to stay sober, you have to take care of yourself and you seem to be doing this by continuing to see your therapist.

To maintain a balance in your life you have to be able to stay focused, and when we worry about the future, all of us start to spin. No one has a crystal ball. By staying strong and maintaining sobriety, with the help of your therapist, you should have the ability to handle what life throws at you. As they say in AA, 'take it one day at a time'.

The important thing for you is not to enable your boyfriend when he gets out of treatment. He must take care of his sobriety, and his own issues. It would be a good thing for him to continue to see a therapist or go to AA meetings and attain a sponsor so we can handle his pressures without resorting to the old behavior. But you can do nothing if he choses not to. Suggest, but don't nag.

Here is some information on enabling:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

When you care for someone you want to be nice and help, so this is where enabling comes in.  You have to take care of your own life and he has to take care of his without enabling each other. There is equality in a good relationship.

If he is still blaming you for things that have gone wrong in the past, he's not taking responsibility for his part in it. Hopefully he'll discuss this with his counselor in treatment, but It may also be helpful for both of you to get couple counseling to help with reconnecting and communicating in a more positive way. When he gets out, it has to be a new relationship for both of you. You can't forget what has past, but if the relationship doesn't change, it will go back to being dysfunctional.

I hope this information is helpful
Thank you for asking AlleExperts

Good luck

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

P. S.
this question has been in the pool for quite some time. I've been on vacation and  I'm assuming other responders have been off as well. If you want a quicker answer to any question, feel free to send it to my attention. Regards, B.

Beverley Glazer

Expertise

I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.

Experience

I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.

Organizations
NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association, For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Education/Credentials
BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor, CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.

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