Expert: Druideck - 8/9/2010

Question
Hi there,

I have an odd problem I was hoping you could help me out
with. I'm happily married to a girl who has 4 alcoholic
brothers. Three of them live an hour and a half away, and
while I don't see them all the time, I can tell their
disease is hurtful to the family, friends, and most of all
themselves.

They've all been drinking since they were in their early
teens and now they're 30-37 years old. Their mother is an
extreme enabler, going so far as to buy cases of liquor so
they'll come over to visit. Even though Mom fully
acknowledges the addiction, she does not want them to get
any help because she's so protective. She's complete deluded
and wants absolutely nothing to change. My wife also doesn't
want to go to Alanon. I've tried on numerous occasions to
get us to go.

The brothers are raucous, loud, offensive, stone cold liars,
manipulative, and love to bully people around. One of them
keeps talking to me about cheating on his fiancee and in the
past used to trick me into giving him rides to meet other
girls.

It's gotten to the point where my wife and I will try only
to visit them early in the day because that's when they're
relatively sober. I've been around a few other drunks in my
life, but nothing's even close to them. Each of them can
polish off 25-30 drinks daily. Is there anything I can do?

I think that's about it. Sorry if my question was too
verbose. Thanks so much for your help!

-Kerry

Answer
Kerry,

I admire your interest in changing
the alcoholic brothers but of course
we can't really do much to help
or change people that don't want help
and don't want to change.

Alcohol has a way of causing enough pain
to make most people hit bottom at some
point. There are some people that
just carry on and die of their illness.
In most cases the family is more than
willing to try an intervention
supervised by a counsellor to get the
alcoholic into a treatment program.
This will only work if you find enough
concerned friends or family to take part.

Your best bet when overwhelmed with so
many problem brother-in-laws is
to attend Alanon to get some information
and help with your codependent tendencies.
If you feel an urgency to change
these guys then you have to look at your
own feelings about it.

They are all adults and you have no real
responsibility to "fix" their lives.
It would be nice if they sought sobriety
and at that point you could offer information
to them about Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Often wanting to help others is just a sign
that we like to control our environment
by trying to change other people.
This may be a need for security or a need
to relieve your own emotional pain so you can feel better
about seeing the families pain.

You can help most by working on yourself
and just being an example of sane living.
When they have had enough of drinking and
it's negative effects maybe you can offer
some suggestions.

Until they show signs of being sick of
their lifestyle it is hard to do much
for them. Even then sobriety will be
their own responsibility as alcoholics
take advantage of most helpers or
enablers.

Let go until you see an opening
where you can offer sane advice.
Until then work on improving yourself
and your reactions to them.
Some people don't change unfortunately
and we have to take care of ourselves
in these situations.

Any questions?

-----