Expert: Druideck - 9/15/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I'll try not to make this too long, but I really need some help.  Below is some background.
My daughter's father is an alcoholic.  We separated shortly after she was born, she is now three.I have sole custody.  He does not pay her any support, has neer even bought diapers or groceries clothes anything.  I have really wanted to allow my daughter to get to know her father, I have given him ample visitation, supervised by me.  In an effort to allow them some time together, I allow him to take her to the park next to my house were I can supervise on the porth, so they are "alone" but supervised.  I have tried really hard.
He'll take to calling me 10-20 times per day, if he can't reach me, he calls my job, my friends, my family, drives to my house.  I changed my number, he somehow found it.  Isometimes make the mistake of letting him in my home, he refuses to leave.  He gives her piles of junk food, just before dinner, had a fit last week because he had to wait 45 seconds while I put sunblock on her before a trip to the park.  He calls he horrible names, in front of my daughter.  

So my big question is I want to protect my daughter from this, I want to be there for my daughter and this situation leaves me completely drained and lifeless.  I have the legal right to keep him away from her, but do I have the moral right?  Is it better for a child to not know their alcoholic parent?  

I do fear that his behavior can/will escalate.

I am on a wait list to see a family counseler who takes low income patients, I fear I can't wait.  


ANSWER: Theresa,

Hi, I will just point out some things
for you to consider.
Alcoholism is a chronic illness.
This means it is always progressing
and the person will exhibit more
bizarre symptoms as time goes on.
If he was attempting to recover
then there may be some chance of
restoring a relationship between
him and his daughter.

He is not showing any signs of being
responsible or acting as an adult should.

My suggestion would be to set down some
serious rules for this guy as far
as his contact with you or your daughter goes.

He is not going to contribute any good to
your daughters life in his present condition.
It is not healthy for your daughter
to be taught impatience or self-willed
control which he exhibits.

I do not trust his ability to contribute
healthy role-modeling or behaviours
to her. He may even have other
intensions by trying to get involved with
you both. Alcoholics are very ill and
self-centered. They have little good to
contribute to anyone without some solid
sobriety and recovery.

My suggestion would be to start demanding
some adult responsibility from him if he wants
to seriously interact with his daughter.

Your daughters early years of development are
very important. She will develop
habits and bonds that will affect the
type of men she thinks are normal.
If this man is an example of men in
general to her then later on she
may feel drawn to this type of man
as being the norm.

Let him know you require him to start
paying child support or attending a
recovery group like Alcoholics Anonymous
if he wants to continue seeing her.
It is not healthy for her to be with
him in his present condition.

He may also get worse in his sick demands
as his illness progresses.
You have to tighten up the rules
in no uncertain terms or
if he will not comply then take whatever
legal means needed.

He has to behave as an adult.
Expect and accept no less.
Always put your daughter and your own safety first,
this is your main moral obligation at this time.

He has to grow up if he wants the
rewards of being an adult.
He needs to stop drinking and get help
there is no excuse these days.
This is totally his responsibility of course.

Don't let him control you with his impatience.
He will only treat you as you allow him to
treat you.

Good luck!













































---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First thank you for taking the time to read my question and the thought you put into the response.  It is very much appreciated.  I have taken your advice.  I told him he needed to get into a treatment program be it AA or something else, 30 meetings in 30 days or 30 days of intreatment.  He has not complied. He stated he went to AA but didn't know what town his meeting was in or what time he want to them ect. so I know he is lying. He has tried to guilt me into letting him see his daughter, I have shut off all phone and personal contact, he has taken to coming to my house and hollering through the windows always late at night 8-9 oclock like a mad man.  I simply have told my daughter that we can not let daddy in the house because it is to late to be calling.  It's hard on her, I know.  I can not receive counseling I went to an intake session and was told that since I was not referred by court, I end up at the back of the line, very sad for both of us as I want to do what's best for my daughter, she is awsome and deserves the best I can do for her.  

Any advice on what I should tell her about her dad now when she asks?  
I tried telling her that her daddy's sick and needs to get help before he can see us, but she has been asking if Daddy's in heaven.  We lost my Dad, her grandpa two weeks ago and I explained that papa was very sick and went to heaven with Jesus, so we won't be able to see papa anymore.  I don't want to confuse her.  I responded with no daddy's not in heaven, papa had cancer daddy's sickness is different.  Any thoughts?

Answer
Theresa,

I think you are doing great. It is
important to set boundaries as
your ex is just testing to see if he can
control or change you to suit his needs.

Safety is always paramount when in these
situations. Don't hesitate to get
help if you fear his late night rants.

Any visits he makes with his daughter
should be supervised and I personally
would not let a child go alone with a
practising alcoholic.

He as an adult must make arrangements
to pay child support. This may be
another issue at some point.

If he will not seek help then the
road is downhill for him.

Your daughter needs to be shown that
women/mother's do not accept bad
behaviour from men/father's.

You are her role model for a woman.
However you handle this situation
will be noted by her and may be a
pattern she follows in later life.

You want her to see that you are
fair but disciplined toward your
ex and his behaviours.

You want her to understand that
her safety is most important.
Her father is acting out his
illness and needs to get help
before he will be a safe person for
her to interact with.

Tell her that he has to decide if he
will get help and that the illness
he has is mostly in his mind when
he drinks alcohol because he is
allergic to alcohol.
She might understand the idea
of an allergy better than addiction.

The allergy fools him into thinking
he doesn't need help but he does.
Unfortunately he has to help himself
first by going to AA meetings.

I myself started with AA and now have
25 years recovery, so I know it can work.

Your daughter will learn not to accept
abuse by watching your behaviour.
She will also learn how to have compassion
from a distance.

Good job!
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