Expert: Beverley Glazer - 8/20/2010

Question
I'm a 31 year old woman in a relationship with a 46 year old, divorced man.  He is an alcoholic but denies it. He has been to rehab last year for a whole month and saw a psychiatrist for 2 months after that but his drinking has spiraled out of control.  He has been physically abusive to me in the past and when I pack my things and move out he always begs me to come back because according to him he just can't live without me.  Whenever we have a fight, he gets into his car and goes off to drink somewhere at a pub and always comes home drunk. He has been married to a verbally abusive, control freak of a woman for 19 years and fathered 2 boys.  The 2 boys are at varsity and is not really close to their father.  They are not fond of me and needless to mention that their mother hates me.  It is difficult living with an alcoholic as it is, on top of that I must also deal with his psycho ex wife being present in his life until the day he dies unless she marries again and the two ungrateful, spoilt children who only know their father when they need money. Being unhappy about my circumstances puts a lot of strain on our relationship and I'm just not sure if he's the guy for me anymore.  I was always convinced that I found my other half when I met him, but his bad habits and god-awful temper when he's drunk and the fact that neither he nor his children respect me has now taken its toll. I can't see myself getting married to a guy who's had it all already, the wife, the kids, the luxuries and family closeness...and the bottle of Bells.  I feel second-best and I just can't deal with the disrespect any longer.  He's quite a senior in the company we both work for, he's great at his job and is well liked and respected by his fellow colleagues, but back home he treats me like his housekeeper. According to him when he's drunk I'm ungrateful and unappreciative and the fact that I'm not particularly in love with his ex wife and children doesn't score points with him either.  I know for a fact that while I am typing up this letter to you now, he is sitting somewhere in a pub having a blast with the bar ladies and his bottle of whiskey. What should I do?

Answer
Hi Talita,

Your partner is an alcoholic, has been in rehab and seen by a psychiatrist and yet he's still in denial of his problems.

He has physically abused you and berated you, but when you take a stand for yourself and move out, he says the right things and then you have hope that he'll change.

It's like he is two people -- the great guy that you met at work whom everyone loves, and the abusive drunk. All abusers have the split.

He will not change unless he breaks his denial and works on himself. Right now, he's not prepared to do that. You are living in an abusive relationship, which will only ruin your self-esteem and can also lead to depression.

You are only 31 and have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship, where you don't have to feel guilty and demoralized.

This page may help you:  http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/healthy-relationships.html

This man is an alcoholic and  everyone sees one side of him but you know the truth.

Open the truth to friends and family members, talk to a counselor or minister and get a support system for yourself. Although you're conflicted about leaving him, once you move on you won't regret what you did.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

P.S
I was gone on the weekend and we must have been short staffed. Your question should have been answered sooner. Regrets. B