Expert: Beverley Glazer - 8/22/2010

Question
I have lived with my boyfriend and his two children and one of mine for two years now.  He is recently a recovering alcoholic.  I have sworn to encourage him and be there for him in every way possible.  He recently went on a week long trip with a group of recovering alcoholics.  It was hard for me but I dealt with it...it's like some secret group in his life that I'm not allowed to know about.  Now, we have no friends and are secluded from everything social because they know he isn't drinking and they are all drinkers.  He still pretty much does his usual things and all is okay for him but I now live in seclusion.  My girlfriends don't invite me to do anything with them and I will go months without talking to them.  I have urged many times that we need to find non-drinking new friends but all he says is "yeah" and then that's that.  I don't think he realizes that this has affected my life too.  I don't want to push it too much though because then I feel selfish and think he has enough on him and doesn't need my issues too.  We don't know where we would find new friends.  We are not religious but live in the bible belt.  Here it seems you either party or spend all of your time in church.  I feel so isolated and lonely.  I love him with all my heart but no longer have any fun outside of being with him which is always just he and I which is solitary too.  We seem to be stuck in a lull that doesn't bother him but leaves a very lonely life for me.  Any ideas?

Answer
Hi Bridgett,

When you are in recovery and go to meetings, you form close bonds with others who have a shared history and the members become a safe group. There are also weekend retreats and conferences, and other social events for members. Your boyfriend is developing a new community of non-drinking friends, but this is a lonely life for you.

Keep encouraging him in his sobriety, however it's important for you to also have a network of friends.

I encourage you to go to Al-anon meetings in your area. You'll find that there are many wives of recovering alcoholic/addicts who are going through similar problems. You might develop couple/family friends there.

Joining interest groups or courses is another way to develop another network of friends. You don't have to be a church member, to participate in what these groups offer. However, you'll have to avoid the members who pressure you further.

Aside from giving you information and support, Al-anon provides a social network. It seems that your present friends have an issue with your boyfriend's sobriety.  As your husband becomes more comfortable in sobriety, he'll be able to socialize without drinking, but right now it sounds like he's not ready. However, when he does, the old friends may not be the best choice of people in the long run.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com


PS. I was out of town last weekend and we must have been short staffed. Sorry you experienced a delay in responding.