Expert: Druideck - 8/23/2010

Question
A friend has been involved with an alcoholic for over two years, decides enough is enough, breaks off with the alcoholic and says he is getting on with his life, cannot take it anymore.  The alcoholic comes around begging for a another chance, promises to attend rehab, counselling whatever it takes.  The friend has already taken this person back 5 times previously.   Now the comment from the friend is is that he tells the alcoholic that maybe in a month from now he will agree to at least meeting with the person for coffee and they will talk some more.  Knowing that this alcoholic is not going to change (she's in her 50s and has been drinking since a young 20 something year old) why would this person still want having anything to do with this person knowing she won't change?

Answer
Michelle,

It is one of the mysteries of being
involved with alcoholics that is hard to
comprehend, why do people keep getting
involved after so much trouble.

One answer is that the person has
developed their own dependence
or addiction to the alcoholic.

There is a great feeling of
power in trying to "fix" another
person. There is also the rise
of hope that you may be their saviour.

Some people have a strong need to be needed.
Also, they get a rush from "helping"
people they see as inferior to themselves
or maybe they even mistake pity for love.

All these kinds of tendencies can keep
a person going back for more ups and
downs with the alcoholic. This emotional rollercoaster can
keep life from getting boring.

Often the urge to reconnect with the
alcoholic can be as compulsive and
obscessive as the alcoholics relationship
to alcohol.

This is co-dependence at it's worst.
It can be as damaging as any other
addictive behaviour.

It can be very hard to break away from
the alcoholic without help and
a very determined effort.

Think of it as a relationship addiction.
Very strong feelings of urgency accompany
the need to contact or maintain the
troubled relationship with the alcoholic.
They become dependent on each other
to play the role of victim and saviour.
The alcoholic will often resent
the help as it infers they are inferior.

The intensity can be hard to let go of.
I suggest your friend gets some
help at Alanon meetings or counselling.

The alcoholic may or may not ever recover
but he needs to start on his own
recovery from these obscessions to
save her or reconnect with an
unhealthy person.

He needs to let of his need to be needed
or his belief that he should always be there
to help her. Alcoholism is an illness that
requires help that one individual cannot provide.
He is only keeping her and himself ill by
repeating his behaviour of contacting her.

Unfortunatly he is almost as ill when
he keeps going back to her. This can be
a serious problem resulting in alot of pain.

He may see himself as the healthy one
which he is definitly not.
They both need help and that requires
their cooperation with counselling, AA
or Alanon meetings and or rehab/treatment.

It is hard to believe how addictive
relationships can be but it is always
an imbalance in the persons involved
that make the problem possible.

Some people are very insecure or fear
being abandoned. These are all aspects
of damaged persons. The twelve steps
of Alanon and AA address these deficiencies
over time.

Hope this helps you understand the power
of addictive relating better.

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